Astral Samurai

I woke up last night in the dark hearing my son saying to quit smoking. I looked at him and frowned because I knew I had broken my promise not to. Its a shame really but with all the anxiety of current affairs I cling to cigarettes in desperation almost. I watched Obama's speech and felt it was a joke. Especially when he mentioned cigarettes I looked down at my own lit cigarette and shook my head. The other news about Egypt probably would have worried me more if it had been sometime last year when my father went to visit there. The situation there does not seem like a priority to the current administration. Democracy in any form in the mid east surely has a different definition then it does here. President where they come from can mean that he is elected for the next 20-40 years. Helluva sham I think but would more democratic systems be effective there anyway? Who knows? My wife is often vocal about her political point of view but she has been quiet lately. I still wonder wha...

I often ask myself between being a writer, artist and creator in general will my life have purpose and meaning? If I am living a predestined life does my life have enough capacity to effect history and change.  I am alone, whether in the real world with my brother and father in this house or in other world as a married man. I see that I am alone in this belief of predestination since it has only been proven to me by passing myself in an alternative timeline one in which I die. This is a death that I will have to prepare for eventually but I will do what I can to make a mark on this world though it might be forgotten in the near future. Time is a subject of which I have a special interest in after all it was George Orwell who said, "  " Who   Controls   the   Past  Now,  Controls   the  Future,  Who   controls   the  Present Now,  Controls   the   Past." 

Ahh well things are becoming chaotic but lucid. It is almost as if I am living a dream now. I was eating breakfast this morning staring at the clock listening to it tick. The boy entered the kitchen and it made me realize that he too has a finite amount of time to live. I hope he out lives me I have made many mistakes in my life and I am hoping it will not repeat from life. Two of my paintings were put on display recently. Here is one. And the other. I am proud to have accomplished this in so little time. I am thinking of my next project and I cannot wait to start it.

I have been so far unsuccessful finding a new job. Farah would not friend me on facebook since I left the job. At least it will cause me less controversy then being involved with her. My wife is still distant from me and we are both running close to broke. It is a bit scary now since I'm cashing in on my savings. I hope I find a new job but In the meantime I have done some painting and writing. I have had more time to be artistic then ever. The kids were happy all week with the snow days allowing them to stay home. I ordered a pizza yesterday and we sat in front of the T.V. again watching Yamato (A film about the battleship). I am somewhat tired now earlier in the day. I am taking a small break from cooking cheeseburgers for the family so I must return before they burn up and turn to rocks. Till next time...

Since my wife has been ignoring me I have been escaping to the bar around the corner. It isn't as costly a sin as I thought it might be and she was not angered when I walked in the door buzzed. I had a few kamikazis (vodka with lime) and my actions were precise. She must have wondered why I didn't eat though I wonder. Whether or not she has taken note or not of my drunkenness I seemed to have alluded her wrath. I slipped into bed before she did and fell asleep soon after. I do not feel an ounce of guilt although I threw out around forty dollars on liquor. Oh well...

Weeks have gone by since New Years day. The kids are back to school now and I am saving money by having them use the school bus now.  My wife is unaware that I tried to friend Farah on Facebook. Though Farah has not responded yet I look forward to speaking with her about daily life here. I'm not expecting anything she might even reject me after I stopped speaking with her because of the wife. My wife goes through a pack a day now on my dime and I caught myself smoking one accidentally. My back is aching too. I think a trip to a chiropractor is necessary to relieve the pain.  I am sort of at a loss for words regarding the functionality of my immediate family. The kids are good yes, but I think my wife is overworked.  She has been coming home to tired and sometimes doesn't even acknowledge me at the dinner table. Since I have no one to speak to other than my former co-workers (like Farah) I am at a loss for words. Hopefully things get better...  

On this night I dreamed of bees swarming then stinging me directly I did some research and this is the most likely definition of the dream. Communication Bees are also symbols of communication. The saying 'tell it to the bees' meant using bees to transmit wishes and desires out to God/dess. Bees work in complete cooperation, communicating with each other so that their hive remains intact and productive. Bees in a dream may indicate a need for communication either with a group or with a significant other.   Until next time, sleep well and dream out loud! As I saw Farah in the dream towards the end, I think this is most likely

Only now do I realize my mistake six months ago...Something on TV provoked me to react. I did not see the consequences till after the event. This miscalculation whether purposely created by those in secrecy or by my own stupidity has changed the past and my future. The error was my fault and now I understand its cause. I am uncertain of my future now and feel a bit more powerless over the future. Since I have realized the mistake now the future is not so concrete as I assumed it to be. I wonder now how much time I will have before the end for me comes. As I am challenging time versus destiny.

For the past week the snow has been getting to me. I am the only one digging up the snow, ice and sleet. The cars were buried in it and my back was killing me by the end of the hour. I paused to eat breakfast and expected one of the kids to wake up in the early morning but neither of them did. With the extra free time I had just the usual some cereal and milk. It is odd to be up at this hour in the dark with no one awake. I hardly have time alone and when I do its dedicated to my writing. I hear the wind blowing outside hustling the snowflakes in the sky.  I look outside and a pleasant calmness fills me. Today will be a great day I know it. No one has to work or go to school with the announcement they called earlier yesterday. It is just more time to spend with the family and perhaps even play in the snow. I have so far completed several pages of writing, it comes slowly but surely.

For once I will discuss my religious believes. First off and this is the most important one their is no god. God is not only man made but a work of fiction. Two, we have been gifted with life, we essentially have been given permission to live for perfection. It is however if not impossible extremely unlikely that anyone achieve perfection thus why it should be a life long goal. Third, heaven and hell only exist in relation to the conditions of your life. If you hurt someone the karma will be returned in kind then or later in time. For all intents heaven is trying to find perfection in everything you do. However remember perfection is a life long process that which may never be achieved in ones lifetime. Hell is created as an extension of ill will as long as you do something violent, illegal or otherwise negative to another you will go to jail, therefore hell. Fourth, all life is predestined your life begins where your first memory starts and it ends to the last memory you have be...

For my wife and I the new year brings us a chance to do better. There was no bickering or arguing during the holidays. I am still without a job and now money is a finite resource for both me and my wife. I am still searching for another office job however. My wife has taken up the habit of smoking she said because it is cold outside. She quit over a two years ago when she was pregnant again. I am tempted to take it up as well but I've kept my promise never to smoke again. The kids received present Jacob the boy in the family received Indiana Jones Four on DVD his favorite movie. Miana was particular and wanted a Japanese Kimono to wear. It was a good Christmas for everyone and for New Years we sat in front of the T.V. in silence. I want for a new years resolution to finish a full novel for publishing.