Astral Samurai

A man before his time... I think of people like, Einstein, Tesla, the founding fathers, only a few examples... With art some think of Picasso, Van Gogh, Da Vinci, Michaelangelo... There are so many examples of a man before his time...  But what about a man after his time? I should not be writing this I am telling myself...I am only setting myself up for failure and maybe I should stop here? Going further might cause me to go back. I keep going over that night driving, I should have died that night, it would have been easier, borrowed time? Another chance? A leap of faith?  Maybe I was just lucky...But luck eventually will run out. Why did I have to see what I saw? We all create our own heaven or hell before I drove that night the choice was mine, past that I already died. As a writer I should have stayed closer to the keyboard, when you step away the story comes alive and it will begin to write itself. I want to complete one more book if there is one thing lef...

But wheres the plan ya know? At the height of my youthful, idealistic, rebellious stage I fought the system just as you did. I put my heart into it so much so that at the age of sixteen I had my first encounter with the police. I was silenced, documentation was falsified, and I was given a label. I entered a sort of grey area, neither criminal, nor law abiding citizen. I learned the hard way that sometimes one mistake can change everything. I was exiled from high school and was told, "That if I ever showed up on campus again I would be arrested." I was put in a proverbial box and that box has still not been broken out of. I fought the law and the law won.  Now maybe my idealism has been peeled away, my youth dried out, and my rebelliousness has turned to subscribed conformity. But I do applaud those who are new to the fight. Those who have yet to be broken down and told exactly what to do. You've got a helluva long road ahead and you may never see...

Its been a strange few months I keep experiencing the voices of friends the memories of someone I've loved & am loving. Like a strange shadow of color in what otherwise would just be myself. My dreams have gone in several different places. A dream about a friend in a future hospital. A pair of lips in front of my eyes. She is both everywhere and nowhere and at the corner of my vision she is narrating this part of my life. I never meant to hurt you I let them do whatever they wanted to you I started a new painting of a door to eternity and a big monkey runs toward it. I think of Hanuman whom in yoga has special powers but has to remember them one day at a time. The crowd is a conglomeration of people dead, alive and alien. I spent some time with an old friend and I've heard her voice so often here at home. Her voice is both seductive and taunting and her voice never leaves to often. How are you not flipping out dude?  Do you remember the color of my wings? ...

It has been a year of change, change in the way I live, change in my attitude, change in myself, and change in the world around me. Not all of these changes were expected and I have had to endure the difficulties of losing now both of my parents. The California Dream is now out of reach, my shop sold off with my grandmother's house. She is in a nursing home now. I've had to start anew making due with the minimal garage space I have in the house on Long Island. I continue my yoga, though no where near persistently as I did in California. Devoting an hour of Yoga a week at best. I've put on weight due to my inactivity. I am driving my dad's Chevy Cruze, which took a little convincing to get my brother to sign it over to me. My dreams have been hard to retrieve though some have been vivid, but short lived. In my sleep certain emotions have manifested, sometimes sadness, sometimes laughter. When waking these emotions quickly fade, though from time to time they resurfac...

It has been a quiet winter, less snow more rain. The occasional wind chill to remind the body of its fragility. An old flame has been lit once again and I find myself in the spells of romance. I've dreamed more often, like in a hibernation of some old bear waiting until its warm again to go back into the wilds of an uncertain world. Things have moved slow, and I write at a snails pace into a former novel that I left behind sometime ago. All the feelings that come from a failed relationship, losses in my family, and my own emotional instability. While the winter is mild I have tried to stay outside, to keep doing and to continue in the practice of yoga. There are many uncertainties about where I will be this year but I expect change, a much delayed change and more responsibilities then I am used to. I haven't gone on any adventures other then a single trip to Manhattan with the ambition to develop a photo for the cover of my awaited novel, "Rose for Rosario" I have be...

I love Autumn transitions from smoldering hot summer to the falling leaves of fall I live for the breeze that goes past my ear. This year is different because I expect the breeze the early chill but also the expectations of an adventurous Halloween and the more Familial Thanksgiving. There was an accident on the road, that I was prepared for but was still unexpected. I continue the month grieving over the loss of my father. His face when he died on the hospital bed. I could swear I saw him smiling, I am suffering his loss in every way, emotionally, physically, personally. It all hurts when I think back to the multitude of dreams I had of him, expecting that he'd be around long enough that I'd be able to buy him a 57' Chevy Corvette. Now thats an impossibility at least in this lifetime. I am still thinking back to that memory on seven two, twenty ten and I am thinking now it wasn't just a personal error but physical one. There was something I physically could not do tha...

Theres too many nightmares now & I can't win but it is not about winning. It is about living. My soul has found something special and I want to keep it but it is not mine. I serve the dream it would be selfish to keep it for myself. She is still with me and now I feel here presence more strongly then ever. My heart thumps loudly, my strength is renewed. The days are bright and full and I know where to go with them next. My life has changed I watched the sun raise then set the sun comes back down and my house is haunted. Haunted by memories past and future from things I want to see and love. My life has changed in one moment to something greater then what I could have imagined all those years ago. I am in love with her again. I am spending all of my money on her because its necessary to see her. She has been an ideal friend for years and now things are changing the dream is changing, I am changing. My feelings are changing for her and my desire grows. She showed me small parts ...

It has been two years since I've last visited California. While California is always in my dreams being gone so long has made it feel so distant. The California dream had been taken away from me and for the past two years life has gravitated more toward New York. I knew I'd have to go back to the familiar monotony of New York. But at the time two years ago, I didn't know why or how I would have to. Now knowing I'm disappointed in an outcome I had no say or control over. If it were up to me, which it wasn't I would have stayed in California. The rug was pulled from underneath and instead of trying to put the rug back, they just took the rug away completely. It was good to just be in a free environment where all the stresses of New York are far away, even though it was just a week. This year has been hard but not in the conventional sense, the bills, and all the financial stuff is taken care of, I've been on top of that but time is so precious right now ...

It has been a few months of introspection of trying to reason with the impossible. I am being taken on a journey, a dream, a beautiful dream that I am trying to hold onto. But there is something missing now someone I love is gone. It is not easy I expected my father to be around for at least another ten years. I wanted to be able to buy him his dream car a 57 Chevy Corvette. Its an odd feeling like Hallowness his death is such a shock and I keep telling myself hes not gone. A dream of him stomping out light bulbs ,"There goes another idea son, an idea you can never use." He's crushing light bulbs.

I knew there would be a point in my experience that would be out of my control. A memory I was forced to live through, how do you insult a time traveler? Well you make the error in his life uncorrectable. The moment already crashed through the wall but the other side of it was still pending. The memory of that moment still lurking, the how and the why I did not know til a very exact set of circumstance was to exist but the experience still pending. Where did I make the error? I kept asking. All that time I thought it would be something I could change. It can't because the point of no return has already passed, the error was personal. And here I was trying to figure out, I must have made a miscalculation somewhere It was with yourself, yourself god damn it!  Still there are so many what ifs that would come into play if it didn't happen that way. I would have never gone out to California. I would have never started building guitars. I would have never jumped in th...

Ahh now this was something I did not anticipate. A global catastrophe and I am of the suspicion that this in some way has a tiny bit to do with me. This of course has incited paranoia not just for me but for everyone. Though this delays my ambition it might in fact at a later date inspire it. It is back to being uncertain about the future and how far away I am in time from what I what I truly want. I in some way was pushing to accomplish the first steps in a grand plan. The grand plan now being stopped cold. In the meantime I can take care of the smaller things that have been so far neglected. This has all made me rethink my strategy. It has also reminded me to be more patient. Though I want to make this happen all the more quickly I'm forced to slow down. I have no shortage of things to do I just don't want to do them. Which should have happened before I should have made my priorities the smaller things. Its time to build a new guitar, its time to work for someth...