At The Corners of a Shattered Dream
Its been a strange few months I keep experiencing the voices of friends the memories of someone I've loved & am loving. Like a strange shadow of color in what otherwise would just be myself.
My dreams have gone in several different places.
A dream about a friend in a future hospital.
A pair of lips in front of my eyes.
She is both everywhere and nowhere and at the corner of my vision she is narrating this part of my life.
I never meant to hurt you
I let them do whatever they wanted to you
I started a new painting of a door to eternity and a big monkey runs toward it.
I think of Hanuman whom in yoga has special powers but has to remember them one day at a time.
The crowd is a conglomeration of people dead, alive and alien.
I spent some time with an old friend and I've heard her voice so often here at home.
Her voice is both seductive and taunting and her voice never leaves to often.
How are you not flipping out dude?
Do you remember the color of my wings?
A library of scans if you touch them then you experience exactly what happened to that person instantly.
A moment of chivalry between a young woman she wraps her arms around an older man.
He says something to her but its quiet enough that it can't be heard what hes saying.
Numbers scanning by eyes, words of negativity but also a strange optimism in a sarcastic satirical voice.
My eyes are tired and I keep waiting for someone in my basement an old friend after hes gone to somewhere different, somewhere spiritual.
Theres something magical about all of it, in some way its like my eyes are being opened to a world I couldn't imagine.
I bought a small collection of Rose Quartz to bring love and warmth in the house, Obsidian for truth and honesty.
I used to wear an obsidian arrowhead as a reminder of my own truth, in the way of being more honest with words on tongue.
There is something beautiful about all of it from her wings, to my friend's voice guiding me, I am sorry I couldn't change what happened.
In another way it is all terribly scary its hard to understand what part is real, what is my mind looking so far ahead for, confirmation of other life but also being safe by those who love me.
I could swear seeing my deceased grandmother over the banister watching waiting, sometimes crying, my mom's voice talking from time to time simple things like just having someone else to speak with in my mind to reassure me that everything will be okay.
My hearts is full with the thoughts of those I love.
I keep hearing, you should get on a bus to California go and make it about the journey.
Try something bold and challenging while you have your freedom.
Do Something different everyday something you would normally never do.
In a subtle quiet way I am panicking and writing to all my friends, family, people I haven't seen or heard from in years as a way to remind them how we met what we did together if even the smallest thing.
Doing so is another reminder that someone cared about them, who they were, how I felt when I first met them why they were considered friends.
Its hard some of the feeling that come back are hot, emotionally turbulent, I don't want them to forget me and I don't want to forget them.
You never forget the people that love you.
There is laughter, love and the echoes of the people I love in this house.
Like my yoga instructor says, may you be warm and protected.
Loved and needed.
Ohm shibi namaya!
No one is ever truly alone.
And sometimes our dreams are more real then the life we lead.
As a writer my pen and paper have been my home.
And I keep seeing her she is beautiful her wings are wide, black, dark and scary.
Shes smiling saying, "Aren't I so beautiful!" shes excited, happy.
The children in my mind play around flying around.
But they are disappointing something is wrong, its not going there way.
You're doing this to yourself Sean.
And I have to let you know something kid, you are no angel.
The words I'm looking for aren't coming to me, they aren't there.
Stop smoking those fucking things, things, those cigarettes do you nothing good man!
Something tells me I'll see my yoga instructor soon and it will be a good experience.
She'll share her yoga personally and I'll get out of monkey mind for a while.
But where is this part, this part of my dream falling apart.
My dad is gone hes somewhere else now.
I want to be with him and say all the things I wanted to ask him.
I can't now and as my mom would say it hurts to be hurt like this.
My heart is hollow today and my spirit wants to fly upstairs with him to a place where no shadows lay.
Where the sun always shines and all the memories we share are the warmth that protects us.
I thought him invincible hes not hes gone. I wanted him to be here I wanted him to stay and all the love in the world couldn't bring him back here today.
I am being unwound like a soul that has been lost because of being hurt from his passing.
I am not the same Samurai now the world has gone colder.
The clock has gone cold and my mind has froze in place.
I wish you the best dad may you rest in peace and stay strong for me.
Keep learning, keep growing, I am hurt my feelings pulled away like a pin being removed from a time bomb.
Where is those feelings those feelings of sorrow why aren't they there.
My Toho is corrupted my ambitions redirected to a world I want to hold onto.
My life is changing and the divine has gone to take over my soul reaching for him.
I cannot find him today but when I die this Samurai will see him like it never hurt to be hurt like this.
It hurts so much but I must go on, I must fight the battles that I can within and without as best I can without him.
I am not alone now and my spirit wants to see him again.
I miss this man and all his humor though from time to time he would hurt me.
The slightest word can hurt but the reminders of all the laughter, the tears and joy have made it all worth wile.
My heart has folded on the seven folded path of an enlightened yogi.
My yoga is with you today as our family sits and prays together.
The words are so hard to find to say I love you dad thank you for bringing me into this world.
I hope to see you again somewhere on the majesty of the Astral Plane.
With the warmth, and passion of a falling samurai I pray for you dad.
With warmth, kindness, divinity, and my heart keep trying dad to teach us the best things we should know.
If and when I have children may you find this writing someday and be reminded of the love I tried to share.
I try so hard to be the good man the man who does it all the right way.
But as they say we all make mistakes.
Our hearts always get broken when someone in our life runs away, hides away, falls away, flys away, taken away, and it punishes us to see that person gone. Gone and there is no other way to say good bye til you see them in the next life. This is a simple reminder that life, love always finds a way. This is home to me and my father worked so hard to build this place.
That was his art, to build something beautiful that he worked so hard to keep clean, tidy, wonderful, and this is still his house.
I will try my best father to honor your house and to bring the best of you with us.
As long as I know you father please keep me safe and my brother as time eats away all the things I thought I knew.
The colors that I see are all the thanks to you and many more things and feelings await.
My dreams have gone in several different places.
A dream about a friend in a future hospital.
A pair of lips in front of my eyes.
She is both everywhere and nowhere and at the corner of my vision she is narrating this part of my life.
I never meant to hurt you
I let them do whatever they wanted to you
I started a new painting of a door to eternity and a big monkey runs toward it.
I think of Hanuman whom in yoga has special powers but has to remember them one day at a time.
The crowd is a conglomeration of people dead, alive and alien.
I spent some time with an old friend and I've heard her voice so often here at home.
Her voice is both seductive and taunting and her voice never leaves to often.
How are you not flipping out dude?
Do you remember the color of my wings?
A library of scans if you touch them then you experience exactly what happened to that person instantly.
A moment of chivalry between a young woman she wraps her arms around an older man.
He says something to her but its quiet enough that it can't be heard what hes saying.
Numbers scanning by eyes, words of negativity but also a strange optimism in a sarcastic satirical voice.
My eyes are tired and I keep waiting for someone in my basement an old friend after hes gone to somewhere different, somewhere spiritual.
Theres something magical about all of it, in some way its like my eyes are being opened to a world I couldn't imagine.
I bought a small collection of Rose Quartz to bring love and warmth in the house, Obsidian for truth and honesty.
I used to wear an obsidian arrowhead as a reminder of my own truth, in the way of being more honest with words on tongue.
There is something beautiful about all of it from her wings, to my friend's voice guiding me, I am sorry I couldn't change what happened.
In another way it is all terribly scary its hard to understand what part is real, what is my mind looking so far ahead for, confirmation of other life but also being safe by those who love me.
I could swear seeing my deceased grandmother over the banister watching waiting, sometimes crying, my mom's voice talking from time to time simple things like just having someone else to speak with in my mind to reassure me that everything will be okay.
My hearts is full with the thoughts of those I love.
I keep hearing, you should get on a bus to California go and make it about the journey.
Try something bold and challenging while you have your freedom.
Do Something different everyday something you would normally never do.
In a subtle quiet way I am panicking and writing to all my friends, family, people I haven't seen or heard from in years as a way to remind them how we met what we did together if even the smallest thing.
Doing so is another reminder that someone cared about them, who they were, how I felt when I first met them why they were considered friends.
Its hard some of the feeling that come back are hot, emotionally turbulent, I don't want them to forget me and I don't want to forget them.
You never forget the people that love you.
There is laughter, love and the echoes of the people I love in this house.
Like my yoga instructor says, may you be warm and protected.
Loved and needed.
Ohm shibi namaya!
No one is ever truly alone.
And sometimes our dreams are more real then the life we lead.
As a writer my pen and paper have been my home.
And I keep seeing her she is beautiful her wings are wide, black, dark and scary.
Shes smiling saying, "Aren't I so beautiful!" shes excited, happy.
The children in my mind play around flying around.
But they are disappointing something is wrong, its not going there way.
You're doing this to yourself Sean.
And I have to let you know something kid, you are no angel.
The words I'm looking for aren't coming to me, they aren't there.
Stop smoking those fucking things, things, those cigarettes do you nothing good man!
Something tells me I'll see my yoga instructor soon and it will be a good experience.
She'll share her yoga personally and I'll get out of monkey mind for a while.
But where is this part, this part of my dream falling apart.
My dad is gone hes somewhere else now.
I want to be with him and say all the things I wanted to ask him.
I can't now and as my mom would say it hurts to be hurt like this.
My heart is hollow today and my spirit wants to fly upstairs with him to a place where no shadows lay.
Where the sun always shines and all the memories we share are the warmth that protects us.
I thought him invincible hes not hes gone. I wanted him to be here I wanted him to stay and all the love in the world couldn't bring him back here today.
I am being unwound like a soul that has been lost because of being hurt from his passing.
I am not the same Samurai now the world has gone colder.
The clock has gone cold and my mind has froze in place.
I wish you the best dad may you rest in peace and stay strong for me.
Keep learning, keep growing, I am hurt my feelings pulled away like a pin being removed from a time bomb.
Where is those feelings those feelings of sorrow why aren't they there.
My Toho is corrupted my ambitions redirected to a world I want to hold onto.
My life is changing and the divine has gone to take over my soul reaching for him.
I cannot find him today but when I die this Samurai will see him like it never hurt to be hurt like this.
It hurts so much but I must go on, I must fight the battles that I can within and without as best I can without him.
I am not alone now and my spirit wants to see him again.
I miss this man and all his humor though from time to time he would hurt me.
The slightest word can hurt but the reminders of all the laughter, the tears and joy have made it all worth wile.
My heart has folded on the seven folded path of an enlightened yogi.
My yoga is with you today as our family sits and prays together.
The words are so hard to find to say I love you dad thank you for bringing me into this world.
I hope to see you again somewhere on the majesty of the Astral Plane.
With the warmth, and passion of a falling samurai I pray for you dad.
With warmth, kindness, divinity, and my heart keep trying dad to teach us the best things we should know.
If and when I have children may you find this writing someday and be reminded of the love I tried to share.
I try so hard to be the good man the man who does it all the right way.
But as they say we all make mistakes.
Our hearts always get broken when someone in our life runs away, hides away, falls away, flys away, taken away, and it punishes us to see that person gone. Gone and there is no other way to say good bye til you see them in the next life. This is a simple reminder that life, love always finds a way. This is home to me and my father worked so hard to build this place.
That was his art, to build something beautiful that he worked so hard to keep clean, tidy, wonderful, and this is still his house.
I will try my best father to honor your house and to bring the best of you with us.
As long as I know you father please keep me safe and my brother as time eats away all the things I thought I knew.
The colors that I see are all the thanks to you and many more things and feelings await.
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