October Sky

I love Autumn transitions from smoldering hot summer to the falling leaves of fall I live for the breeze that goes past my ear. This year is different because I expect the breeze the early chill but also the expectations of an adventurous Halloween and the more Familial Thanksgiving. There was an accident on the road, that I was prepared for but was still unexpected. I continue the month grieving over the loss of my father. His face when he died on the hospital bed. I could swear I saw him smiling, I am suffering his loss in every way, emotionally, physically, personally. It all hurts when I think back to the multitude of dreams I had of him, expecting that he'd be around long enough that I'd be able to buy him a 57' Chevy Corvette. Now thats an impossibility at least in this lifetime. I am still thinking back to that memory on seven two, twenty ten and I am thinking now it wasn't just a personal error but physical one. There was something I physically could not do that day. I couldn't go where I did not go that day. I went to the hospital that day, but I should have gone for the court, the traffic court. Its strange to carry the memory of something that will happen and that has yet to happen. I am going through throws of being depressed then shooting up into a state of anxiety. I have been keeping to my yoga, and my appetite for life is monstrous. I miss hanging out with old friends, talking and drinking to excess. It is harder to comply then it is to rebel. I have stayed clean, and sober since July 2016 and I intend to stay that way. The hardest thing to put down was the cigarettes, and now having not smoked since July I feel great, I can actually feel my lungs restart every morning, I can smell everything and I do mean everything. I live near the ocean so I can smell that every morning if not for something else in the air. I haven't dreamed as much but day dreaming has kept me wondering what the future really is ahead of me. My current ambition is to set aside my angst from the loss of my dad and to type away into a new novel that I started in 2010 and have since dragged my pen away on finishing, while starting another project, "The Aftermen" which was more pleasurable to write into. With October in full autumn the winds casting the early reminders of a coming winter I am happy just to be alive. I needed yoga this month and I practiced both at home and at a few free classes that were local. I feel like it has been harder to practice with the addition of a few extra pounds on my waist. I have been dreaming about food, but specific foods, candy. I've satisfied most of these appetite cravings. Its gone colder and I expect next month November will bring the start of winter maybe even a light snow fall. Its been slow, but I try to avail my anxieties by movement like a dancer in the way of a being gentle, an invisible dancer guides me. My heart is going through waves of emotions, from love, to anxiety, to fear and worry. I have had multiple dreams this month, one of a man I recognized but there is alarm, fear his legs relaxed on my couch. I stand offended in the dream and running away, dangerously running away over a fence that is too tall.