A Christmas Gift
It has been a year of change, change in the way I live, change in my attitude, change in myself, and change in the world around me. Not all of these changes were expected and I have had to endure the difficulties of losing now both of my parents. The California Dream is now out of reach, my shop sold off with my grandmother's house. She is in a nursing home now. I've had to start anew making due with the minimal garage space I have in the house on Long Island. I continue my yoga, though no where near persistently as I did in California. Devoting an hour of Yoga a week at best. I've put on weight due to my inactivity. I am driving my dad's Chevy Cruze, which took a little convincing to get my brother to sign it over to me.
My dreams have been hard to retrieve though some have been vivid, but short lived.
In my sleep certain emotions have manifested, sometimes sadness, sometimes laughter.
When waking these emotions quickly fade, though from time to time they resurface during the day.
I've woken at odd hours and some days waking up early, I insist on going back under to stay in the comfort or even discomfort of a dream.
I knew Winter would come but I don't expect a hard winter and so far it has proven not to be.
I've taken up a new trade, learning welding in school now. This too I did not expect to happen but its a welcome change and will prove useful later on. Whether its to build an all metal guitar, mod a car, or tack some loose material to an object half broken. I passed the welding class with a 70. I'm quite proud of that considering I've had minimal experience welding.
My writing has taken a turn for the mundane. I've fallen back to writing on a novel I started about 7 years ago. Leaving the more recent project on the back burner as the first draft in a red notebook was also lost in the haste of my grandmother's sold house. This was the biggest set back of my intellectual pursuits, that draft was great, maybe not perfect but it was a pleasure to write and even more of a pleasure to read.
The loss of my grandmother's house and her subsequent removal to a nursing home was the worst news of the year. It was stupid, I wasn't included in that decision, and having paid the full amount of her mortgage only to be sold by her son is shameful. Her current displacement is temporary, I don't want her there and I don't think she needs to be there.
I myself am residing in an apartment though not exactly of my own choosing its turned to be a benefit to be here for the time being. I still spend the weekends at the house and now with the car its easy to go back and forth.
I put together a new computer using all AMD components unfortunately that machine had crashed insistently. It was put together from scratch with the idea for gaming and possible video editing. I can only deduce that it was one or all of the components. I was intent on selling it via ebay for somebody whose willing to tackle all the problems that came with it. As a last desperate measure I took the computer into Microcenter for a diagnostic and they found that one of the sticks of RAM was bad. Removing and replacing the RAM with another brand solved the crashing issue that consumed 3 months of my life. With the problem solved I now have a machine that can do what I want it to.
Lastly I've opened my heart again to an old friend. For the first time in a while I feel comfortable with her. I don't talk to her too often but its good to know she is still there. I think that both of us are now vulnerable and so its important for us both to have each other to fallback on. Though I know she needs me less then I need her. I don't expect too much from the friendship as it is, but in the future I am sure it will blossom into something more fruitful.
As a Christmas gift to myself, I am nearing completion of another self built guitar. Though my energy and concentration has gone toward my welding classes, and attempting to determine the problem with the computer. Now I can dedicate more time to its completion, hopefully it will all come together without error and once stringed it will strum a new song.
As a Christmas gift to you the reader I have reopened this blog to public consumption. I have also made a few visual changes that I thought would relay a more tranquil message.
With this year of uncertainty, balance, and complications I have had to be patient. Half of this year was trying to reorganize, the other half was used to catch up with my writing, and my personal goals. I wanted to run away but I couldn't and I still can't.
There were some moments during the year where I went out of my comfort zone and for the most part it made for a good time.
I've also come to realize something personally important but I cannot talk about it.
As the year comes to a close quietly my expectations for next year are high. I expect there will be trip ups & mistakes but I anticipate these things to happen so in the case that something does go wrong I am ready for it. There was something important I anticipated some time ago and now with the expectation it will occur I look forward to next year's challenges.
My dreams have been hard to retrieve though some have been vivid, but short lived.
In my sleep certain emotions have manifested, sometimes sadness, sometimes laughter.
When waking these emotions quickly fade, though from time to time they resurface during the day.
I've woken at odd hours and some days waking up early, I insist on going back under to stay in the comfort or even discomfort of a dream.
I knew Winter would come but I don't expect a hard winter and so far it has proven not to be.
I've taken up a new trade, learning welding in school now. This too I did not expect to happen but its a welcome change and will prove useful later on. Whether its to build an all metal guitar, mod a car, or tack some loose material to an object half broken. I passed the welding class with a 70. I'm quite proud of that considering I've had minimal experience welding.
My writing has taken a turn for the mundane. I've fallen back to writing on a novel I started about 7 years ago. Leaving the more recent project on the back burner as the first draft in a red notebook was also lost in the haste of my grandmother's sold house. This was the biggest set back of my intellectual pursuits, that draft was great, maybe not perfect but it was a pleasure to write and even more of a pleasure to read.
The loss of my grandmother's house and her subsequent removal to a nursing home was the worst news of the year. It was stupid, I wasn't included in that decision, and having paid the full amount of her mortgage only to be sold by her son is shameful. Her current displacement is temporary, I don't want her there and I don't think she needs to be there.
I myself am residing in an apartment though not exactly of my own choosing its turned to be a benefit to be here for the time being. I still spend the weekends at the house and now with the car its easy to go back and forth.
I put together a new computer using all AMD components unfortunately that machine had crashed insistently. It was put together from scratch with the idea for gaming and possible video editing. I can only deduce that it was one or all of the components. I was intent on selling it via ebay for somebody whose willing to tackle all the problems that came with it. As a last desperate measure I took the computer into Microcenter for a diagnostic and they found that one of the sticks of RAM was bad. Removing and replacing the RAM with another brand solved the crashing issue that consumed 3 months of my life. With the problem solved I now have a machine that can do what I want it to.
Lastly I've opened my heart again to an old friend. For the first time in a while I feel comfortable with her. I don't talk to her too often but its good to know she is still there. I think that both of us are now vulnerable and so its important for us both to have each other to fallback on. Though I know she needs me less then I need her. I don't expect too much from the friendship as it is, but in the future I am sure it will blossom into something more fruitful.
As a Christmas gift to myself, I am nearing completion of another self built guitar. Though my energy and concentration has gone toward my welding classes, and attempting to determine the problem with the computer. Now I can dedicate more time to its completion, hopefully it will all come together without error and once stringed it will strum a new song.
As a Christmas gift to you the reader I have reopened this blog to public consumption. I have also made a few visual changes that I thought would relay a more tranquil message.
With this year of uncertainty, balance, and complications I have had to be patient. Half of this year was trying to reorganize, the other half was used to catch up with my writing, and my personal goals. I wanted to run away but I couldn't and I still can't.
There were some moments during the year where I went out of my comfort zone and for the most part it made for a good time.
I've also come to realize something personally important but I cannot talk about it.
As the year comes to a close quietly my expectations for next year are high. I expect there will be trip ups & mistakes but I anticipate these things to happen so in the case that something does go wrong I am ready for it. There was something important I anticipated some time ago and now with the expectation it will occur I look forward to next year's challenges.
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