Over The Hills and Far Away
We started off the month good, the kids are back in school and I having been doing great with work.
I figured I'd have more time to work around the house and put all that stuff I had planned over the summer finished, well not really.
The last days before school started my wife started disappearing telling me she'd decided to hang with coworkers at her job.
It wasn't something I expected since whenever shes' talked about her job she just makes it sound like a living wreck.
So the gears shifted a bit and I was the one being the home body, and go figure there was never enough time to get to the things I needed to do around the house.
"Wheres mom?" asks my son.
"She went out for the night...work stuff..." I had to cut my tongue short didn't want to say too much.
"I'm hungry..." I silently cursed behind my eyes thinking, I should've kept the job at the deli.
"Can you make mom's pizza?" I knew how to make pizza but mine just doesn't come out like hers, needs a woman's touch.
I started moving without thinking because just the thought of that pizza made me hungry.
There wasn't any dough and I started seeing the fridge was close to empty.
I then realized without them saying anything what all the anger had come from this summer.
I'd always bring something back home at the end of a night from the deli and they were always eating it.
It wasn't the best food but it was satisfying and I wanted to ask my son why they didn't say anything about the food.
My mind rebelled a bit and I wanted to shout at him, run out to the bar drink myself silly and pass out.
"Dad are you alright?" my son must have seen my temper flaring.
"Yeah its...we've got no dough, I gotta prep though I'll give ya a few bucks wanna run over to the super market?"
He had that do I have to do it look on his face.
"Yeah I'll go..."
I scoured through my wallet and whisked out a $20.
"I need change, get something for yourself too...If ya want."
He went out the door and I slammed my fist on the counter.
After venting the moment of frustration I starting putting everything together for the pizza.
I just buried my anger with the cooking, I looked at myself in the mirror in the living room.
It felt like I hadn't seen my face in years, I felt old just looking noticing even at my age wrinkles.
I felt that shock that tells you, hey you, you're a couple years older now, what have you been upto all your life.
For the first time in a long time I went upstairs and picked up my guitar.
I never really took time to learn any songs, but I kept a couple of riffs memorized just in case.
It woke me out of it, and I just let the guitar do the expressing.
For a moment it dispelled the anger, but some kind of regretful feeling seeped in.
Why didn't I ever start a band?
I kept zoning in and out going over random memories, the kind that make you swallow your own tongue.
I heard the door open downstairs and I went down to meet my son and finish up on the pizza.
There was hesitancy from him, or maybe it was me.
I didn't want to say anything I would regret later, I kept on rubbing my eyes making out like I was tired.
I was tired maybe not physically, but tired of life.
I remember reading somewhere a long time ago, about a man who said these words.
My son had to ask, "Dad why do you keep turning over the pizza? Don't you think its ready?"
"Sorry...couldn't help it...Something on my mind."
He bobbed his head and went over to the TV in the living room.
I couldn't find anything to do and almost threw caution to the wind and drove off.
My son and I sat at the table without too many words passing while watching the T.V. and eating pizza.
These kids can be very perceptive and he asked, "Dad why did you leave the deli? The food was good there."
"Wasn't making enough there...It was just something in between til I could find something better."
"Oh...I think mom's mad at you." he said.
"Yeah I know."
This little dinner turned out to be a big deal to me.
And swallowing that proverbial bitter pill wasn't so bitter after that.
When we gouged down 5 slices between the two of us and the small talk ended I decided to ask my son for advice.
"Say would you be alright if I went away for a while?"
His brows curled and he had a worried look on his face.
"Went away?"
"Yeah not forever I think I need to do something, a little vacation...Maybe drive cross country or something like that..."
He looked down at the table I could tell there was a certain uncertainty in his eyes.
"Why? I mean can I go too?"
I looked away towards the T.V. to distract myself.
"No you got school, your mom and sister would need ya around...You'd be the man of the house for a couple of weeks."
I glanced at him and saw a smile reaching out over his face.
"That would be cool...I think but...where are you going?"
"Donno yet...Maybe California...Texas...Canada?"
My son looked at me and with all seriousness, "Dad only steers and queers come from Texas."
I couldn't help but laugh at the reference.
I nodded my head and said, "So you'd be alright with that? You could call me anytime if things get crazy here."
"Yeah I would, only like two weeks right?"
"Yeah sounds about right and I'll run back if anything goes wrong."
"Does mom know already?"
"No...Infact don't say anything to her or your sis just yet."
My son nodded and we parted ways at the table.
I started picturing myself driving all the way out to California seeing all the places in between I'd wanted to see.
I'd play my guitar under some random bridge, I pulled myself back from the fantasy remembering that I wasn't out the door yet, and that I still had a wife to discuss it with. I did the cleaning up and left the pizza on the kitchen table. I looked up at the wall clock and I knew my wife wouldn't be around for another hour or so.
I said to myself, I can walk out this door right now...RIGHT NOW! Ya can't do that though wouldn't be right.
I closed the bedroom door behind me and tossed ideas of what my wife would say, and how it would all end up a happy ending anyway. I'd have a helluva story to tell the kids too when I got back home. I could still work too, I would be able to e-commute any necessary changes or projects to my employer. It almost seemed to easy.
I started jumping into the negatives, the what if something goes wrong attitude. I tried piecing together all the possible things that could go wrong. Kids could get hurt, wife could get sick, wife could go crazy, kids could go crazy, car can break down, might run out of money...The negatives all felt like a bunch of bees stinging my head and a headache started to inch it.
Damn this isn't such a good idea...
I put together a quick projection of what I'd likely be spending if it were just a two week vacation.
Not knowing exactly where or when I'd be in different places, I threw together a figure of about $1000-$2000 dollars and that was being kind on myself. That was close to what I'd saved over the last few months from work.
I couldn't think anymore that headache seemed to get worse and worse.
I completely forgot about my wife when I heard the front door slam.
I'm sure if anyone could have seen my face I would've looked like Arnorld Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.
I rested back and feigned sleep in bed.
I could hear her downstairs rumbling in the kitchen, and the fridge.
I slowed my thoughts and breathed deeply to relax myself.
When I heard her walking upstairs to the bedroom my nerves edged but I silently reminded myself, I'm sleeping.
I could hear my daughter and wife quietly chatting.
Had my daughter heard what I was saying?
After a moment my wife went into the bathroom and probably stared at herself in the mirror for a while.
When she walked in I could feel the light from the bathroom on my face.
I just had a wake up call that I was also on the wrong side of the bed.
Too late now.
She shut off the light and slipped into bed.
I could smell the booze on her, she must have drank a lot but maybe this was the best time to ask what I needed to.
I could hear her breathing but I knew she was not sleeping just yet.
She made no move to provoke me so of course but I did, I turned over and placed my arm over her.
Still silent she pretended to ignore my arm.
After a minute of ignorance I opened my eyes and kissed her on the cheek.
Her eyes shot open and she looked at me with that of poison arrows.
"What..." she says.
"I...sorry...You look tired."
"I am...very tired." she says.
"Okay...well...good night...see you in the morning." I decided to avoid pushing her into a conversation.
"Night." she says and I started to pull my arm away but before I could do that she said, "No leave your arm...I feel safe..." I left my arm laying across her and a guilty feeling hit me hard. I don't know how long I can hold this... I thought.
She started talking after a while, "I had a good time tonight...I can't relax though...Was everything okay when I left..." It was a less of a question then a statement.
"Yeah it was fine...Made pizza for the kids...Played my guitar for a bit you know..." I said.
She giggled quietly, "Yeah your pizza wasn't that bad."
"Thanks...I wanted to ask ya about something and..."
"Can you do that thing downstairs, that you did?" she interrupted.
"You mean 1 or 2?"
She nodded and I saw a smile breech her otherwise sleepy face.
"1 or 2..."
It was strange to have a different feeling of lust to hit me for my own wife.
I talked in between the activities when I felt it was safe to do so.
"Think you'd mind me leaving for a few weeks?" I asked.
"Leaving..."
I could see she was thinking and I continued to pleasure her.
"Want to go out west for a bit...I've been cooped up here all summer and most of the year."
"Not now..." she said.
There was no easy way to have this conversation but I made an ultimatum about it in between.
I got the answer I wanted and she passed out soon after.
I couldn't sleep so I wrote out a letter to my son, and my daughter.
Dear Kids,
Leaving home for two weeks, will call, and make sure everyone is okay.
Mom gave me the okay to go tonight and I am just a phonecall away.
Don't let me down and be safe.
See you in two weeks!
-Dad
P.S. Jake is in CHARGE!
The house was quiet and I wanted to get out as fast and queitly as possible.
I gathered everything I thought I'd need, bottled water, laptop, cell phone, batteries, a couple of tools just in case, a few articles of clothing, and a slice of Pizza.
I walked out and lightly closed the door behind me turning the key making sure it was locked tight.
I went over to my wife's car, opened the door and stuck whatever I had in my wallet underneath the dashboard.
My nerves were running circles and my thoughts followed.
This isn't a good idea!
I jumped into the minivan and cringed.
There is no easy way to turn a car on without making noise.
I hesitated and looked inside the minivan checking off all the necessities in my head when satisfied I took one last look at the house and turned the ignition.
The radio turned on and Led Zeppelins' Over The Hills and Far Away started blasting and it all felt right I turned the car around and hit the open road.
I figured I'd have more time to work around the house and put all that stuff I had planned over the summer finished, well not really.
The last days before school started my wife started disappearing telling me she'd decided to hang with coworkers at her job.
It wasn't something I expected since whenever shes' talked about her job she just makes it sound like a living wreck.
So the gears shifted a bit and I was the one being the home body, and go figure there was never enough time to get to the things I needed to do around the house.
"Wheres mom?" asks my son.
"She went out for the night...work stuff..." I had to cut my tongue short didn't want to say too much.
"I'm hungry..." I silently cursed behind my eyes thinking, I should've kept the job at the deli.
"Can you make mom's pizza?" I knew how to make pizza but mine just doesn't come out like hers, needs a woman's touch.
I started moving without thinking because just the thought of that pizza made me hungry.
There wasn't any dough and I started seeing the fridge was close to empty.
I then realized without them saying anything what all the anger had come from this summer.
I'd always bring something back home at the end of a night from the deli and they were always eating it.
It wasn't the best food but it was satisfying and I wanted to ask my son why they didn't say anything about the food.
My mind rebelled a bit and I wanted to shout at him, run out to the bar drink myself silly and pass out.
"Dad are you alright?" my son must have seen my temper flaring.
"Yeah its...we've got no dough, I gotta prep though I'll give ya a few bucks wanna run over to the super market?"
He had that do I have to do it look on his face.
"Yeah I'll go..."
I scoured through my wallet and whisked out a $20.
"I need change, get something for yourself too...If ya want."
He went out the door and I slammed my fist on the counter.
After venting the moment of frustration I starting putting everything together for the pizza.
I just buried my anger with the cooking, I looked at myself in the mirror in the living room.
It felt like I hadn't seen my face in years, I felt old just looking noticing even at my age wrinkles.
I felt that shock that tells you, hey you, you're a couple years older now, what have you been upto all your life.
For the first time in a long time I went upstairs and picked up my guitar.
I never really took time to learn any songs, but I kept a couple of riffs memorized just in case.
It woke me out of it, and I just let the guitar do the expressing.
For a moment it dispelled the anger, but some kind of regretful feeling seeped in.
Why didn't I ever start a band?
I kept zoning in and out going over random memories, the kind that make you swallow your own tongue.
I heard the door open downstairs and I went down to meet my son and finish up on the pizza.
There was hesitancy from him, or maybe it was me.
I didn't want to say anything I would regret later, I kept on rubbing my eyes making out like I was tired.
I was tired maybe not physically, but tired of life.
I remember reading somewhere a long time ago, about a man who said these words.
My son had to ask, "Dad why do you keep turning over the pizza? Don't you think its ready?"
"Sorry...couldn't help it...Something on my mind."
He bobbed his head and went over to the TV in the living room.
I couldn't find anything to do and almost threw caution to the wind and drove off.
My son and I sat at the table without too many words passing while watching the T.V. and eating pizza.
These kids can be very perceptive and he asked, "Dad why did you leave the deli? The food was good there."
"Wasn't making enough there...It was just something in between til I could find something better."
"Oh...I think mom's mad at you." he said.
"Yeah I know."
This little dinner turned out to be a big deal to me.
And swallowing that proverbial bitter pill wasn't so bitter after that.
When we gouged down 5 slices between the two of us and the small talk ended I decided to ask my son for advice.
"Say would you be alright if I went away for a while?"
His brows curled and he had a worried look on his face.
"Went away?"
"Yeah not forever I think I need to do something, a little vacation...Maybe drive cross country or something like that..."
He looked down at the table I could tell there was a certain uncertainty in his eyes.
"Why? I mean can I go too?"
I looked away towards the T.V. to distract myself.
"No you got school, your mom and sister would need ya around...You'd be the man of the house for a couple of weeks."
I glanced at him and saw a smile reaching out over his face.
"That would be cool...I think but...where are you going?"
"Donno yet...Maybe California...Texas...Canada?"
My son looked at me and with all seriousness, "Dad only steers and queers come from Texas."
I couldn't help but laugh at the reference.
I nodded my head and said, "So you'd be alright with that? You could call me anytime if things get crazy here."
"Yeah I would, only like two weeks right?"
"Yeah sounds about right and I'll run back if anything goes wrong."
"Does mom know already?"
"No...Infact don't say anything to her or your sis just yet."
My son nodded and we parted ways at the table.
I started picturing myself driving all the way out to California seeing all the places in between I'd wanted to see.
I'd play my guitar under some random bridge, I pulled myself back from the fantasy remembering that I wasn't out the door yet, and that I still had a wife to discuss it with. I did the cleaning up and left the pizza on the kitchen table. I looked up at the wall clock and I knew my wife wouldn't be around for another hour or so.
I said to myself, I can walk out this door right now...RIGHT NOW! Ya can't do that though wouldn't be right.
I closed the bedroom door behind me and tossed ideas of what my wife would say, and how it would all end up a happy ending anyway. I'd have a helluva story to tell the kids too when I got back home. I could still work too, I would be able to e-commute any necessary changes or projects to my employer. It almost seemed to easy.
I started jumping into the negatives, the what if something goes wrong attitude. I tried piecing together all the possible things that could go wrong. Kids could get hurt, wife could get sick, wife could go crazy, kids could go crazy, car can break down, might run out of money...The negatives all felt like a bunch of bees stinging my head and a headache started to inch it.
Damn this isn't such a good idea...
I put together a quick projection of what I'd likely be spending if it were just a two week vacation.
Not knowing exactly where or when I'd be in different places, I threw together a figure of about $1000-$2000 dollars and that was being kind on myself. That was close to what I'd saved over the last few months from work.
I couldn't think anymore that headache seemed to get worse and worse.
I completely forgot about my wife when I heard the front door slam.
I'm sure if anyone could have seen my face I would've looked like Arnorld Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.
I rested back and feigned sleep in bed.
I could hear her downstairs rumbling in the kitchen, and the fridge.
I slowed my thoughts and breathed deeply to relax myself.
When I heard her walking upstairs to the bedroom my nerves edged but I silently reminded myself, I'm sleeping.
I could hear my daughter and wife quietly chatting.
Had my daughter heard what I was saying?
After a moment my wife went into the bathroom and probably stared at herself in the mirror for a while.
When she walked in I could feel the light from the bathroom on my face.
I just had a wake up call that I was also on the wrong side of the bed.
Too late now.
She shut off the light and slipped into bed.
I could smell the booze on her, she must have drank a lot but maybe this was the best time to ask what I needed to.
I could hear her breathing but I knew she was not sleeping just yet.
She made no move to provoke me so of course but I did, I turned over and placed my arm over her.
Still silent she pretended to ignore my arm.
After a minute of ignorance I opened my eyes and kissed her on the cheek.
Her eyes shot open and she looked at me with that of poison arrows.
"What..." she says.
"I...sorry...You look tired."
"I am...very tired." she says.
"Okay...well...good night...see you in the morning." I decided to avoid pushing her into a conversation.
"Night." she says and I started to pull my arm away but before I could do that she said, "No leave your arm...I feel safe..." I left my arm laying across her and a guilty feeling hit me hard. I don't know how long I can hold this... I thought.
She started talking after a while, "I had a good time tonight...I can't relax though...Was everything okay when I left..." It was a less of a question then a statement.
"Yeah it was fine...Made pizza for the kids...Played my guitar for a bit you know..." I said.
She giggled quietly, "Yeah your pizza wasn't that bad."
"Thanks...I wanted to ask ya about something and..."
"Can you do that thing downstairs, that you did?" she interrupted.
"You mean 1 or 2?"
She nodded and I saw a smile breech her otherwise sleepy face.
"1 or 2..."
It was strange to have a different feeling of lust to hit me for my own wife.
I talked in between the activities when I felt it was safe to do so.
"Think you'd mind me leaving for a few weeks?" I asked.
"Leaving..."
I could see she was thinking and I continued to pleasure her.
"Want to go out west for a bit...I've been cooped up here all summer and most of the year."
"Not now..." she said.
There was no easy way to have this conversation but I made an ultimatum about it in between.
I got the answer I wanted and she passed out soon after.
I couldn't sleep so I wrote out a letter to my son, and my daughter.
Dear Kids,
Leaving home for two weeks, will call, and make sure everyone is okay.
Mom gave me the okay to go tonight and I am just a phonecall away.
Don't let me down and be safe.
See you in two weeks!
-Dad
P.S. Jake is in CHARGE!
The house was quiet and I wanted to get out as fast and queitly as possible.
I gathered everything I thought I'd need, bottled water, laptop, cell phone, batteries, a couple of tools just in case, a few articles of clothing, and a slice of Pizza.
I walked out and lightly closed the door behind me turning the key making sure it was locked tight.
I went over to my wife's car, opened the door and stuck whatever I had in my wallet underneath the dashboard.
My nerves were running circles and my thoughts followed.
This isn't a good idea!
I jumped into the minivan and cringed.
There is no easy way to turn a car on without making noise.
I hesitated and looked inside the minivan checking off all the necessities in my head when satisfied I took one last look at the house and turned the ignition.
The radio turned on and Led Zeppelins' Over The Hills and Far Away started blasting and it all felt right I turned the car around and hit the open road.
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