As The Rush Comes

When one runs away like this there is that weird feeling between guilt and exhilaration.
I wasn't too sure how exactly I was going to get to the other side of the country.
I wasn't sure I'd make it to the other side of the country.
It felt like an action movie, I started picturing cops shooting at me trying to fishtail me into a gutter.
Driving off into some crazy frenzy in the night, wheels screeching, burning against the pavement.
Of course as soon as I stopped at the red light that all just blew away.

Its a fantasy...not reality...

I'd never done anything like this before but still a strange sense of persecution followed me.
My wife would certainly be mad as all hell the next morning.
There would be a void that would need to be filled from a missing father...
I didn't think to highly of myself from the past.
So many things I intended to do the right way just ended in more misery.
I didn't plan it to work out like the way it ever did which was why it made sense for me to run off like I was now.

I'd almost always considered everyone else but when it came to my decisions.
The more people it involved, the easier it was to make the decision.
When it comes to myself though I'm like a democracy without a congress.
It took me a long time to realize that, If you don't make a decision, someone else will decide for you.
Its always this internalizing with me trying to figure in the outs.

When I made it onto the highway it felt like a new world.
I made this choice for me...
Everything seemed to be happening too fast.
I switched radio stations trying to find something to stop myself from thinking.
About anything.
I'd never really cared too much about what I listened to in the past.
I couldn't really get into anything too modern, to rapid, or vulgar.
When I was younger I was too idealistic to listen to anything other then R.E.M. or some movie soundtrack.
I let what ever was coming out of the radio seep in till it made my ears hurt.
I went back to the classic rock station otherwise my ears would have bled.

Strangely enough Died in Your Arms took over.
I couldn't think of anyone other then my wife.
I guess in some alternate universe it was telling me something.

I should've walked away.

What if I didn't? Would have I died in her arms tonight?

OH, I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT!

The radio DJ went on about a get together somewhere next month, free tickets to some show I probably wouldn't have time or would want to see anyway. I looked at the clock and something seemed correct, like this is the perfect time for this.

Its 2:27 AM there is no one on the road...
I'm out here alone, Its like I'm myself for a while.


It almost felt like I'd lost consciousness and was just swimming in my head.
I had to snap myself out of it by clicking my teeth.
I figured the adrenaline was starting to wear off me now and I was actually damned tired.
Wasn't even over to Verizano Bridge yet and again that nagging feeling to just go back home.
My wife's voice echoed in my head with some conversation we didn't have yet.

"So you left at 2 AM?! Without saying ANYTHING! Or Thinking about US!"

"Sorry you fell asleep and I wanted to get out and do things OKAY!"

"Get out and do things? GET OUT NOW AND DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT!" 

I giggled unintentionally, "Yep not a good idea to go back now."

I didn't need any gas in the car but I stopped in the middle of the city to get gas and a soda.
The thing was I couldn't find any soda it almost made me flip.

I asked the Indian guy at the counter, "Hey you guys don't have any Sprite?"

"Huh...?"

"You know Sprite! The lemon lime soda type bottles?"

"Boomberg." he said.

"What?" I must have looked out of my mind.

"Boomberg stop the soda." he finished.

"Oh shit thats right..." I sighed and almost said, Well I'm glad I'm leaving New York!

I was about to pay the bill to the gas and the Indian guy looked up past my shoulder at the camera.
"I have some it is in back." He had a conniving smile like he just imported the worlds best aphrodisiac right into this gas station.

"Uhh..." Again this all seemed nuts to me.

"Yeah, okay, I'll have some, one." I said terribly nervous.

When he walked into the back he told me to wait.
Under my breath I whispered, "What the fuck is going on?"
I felt terribly guilty buying that soda and going out with it made me more paranoid then I'd been in a long time.

Will they arrest me? 

I jumped into the car and as the rush comes either from the soda or the fact that I am nearly out of this state I felt more determined then ever to see what else is out there for me.




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