A Shattered World
At the beginning of April I had a good outlook for the guitar, things were all coming together.
I felt bad about something so much so that I sawed the guitar neck in half as a display of emotion.
It took courage to destroy it, I loved the work I put into it, I liked the way it was coming out but the emotion tied with getting so close to a full build on the guitar tore me in half.
I could either keep building or act on these emotions but I let my emotions get the better of me.
I'd gone out of my way to ignore someone so close.
And a single moment can change everything.
Up to that moment I'd been so proud of everything I'd been through to amount to the creation of the shop, ideas, and work that I could focus on.
My ego felt inspired to act, to move, and without thinking it through I drove my grandmother's car recklessly.
I didn't give myself time to think, Always Forward I said to myself.
I wanted to share this moment with that person so close whom I'd already hurt.
It was enough of a memory for a lifetime but I said as I am walking, running, limping my way through hills, farms, flower beds, past horses, dogs, a Llama and in the end a very upset man with a gun, that I would remember this for her, so in the next life she would have it with her.
The moments experienced opened my eyes to my own life, my own fatal flaws, and awareness of my own strength.
I'd been using the time I had correctly for the most part, but not all of it.
I couldn't find a way to reach out to anyone so the escape was to seek it elsewhere.
It was back to working on another neck.
I had to go out and buy a new neck from Dave.
It was good seeing him despite certain distrust.
I bought another neck for $50 or so and he threw in a bridge and some dowels.
He kinda screwed me with the neck, the truss rod groove was to open letting the rod raddle around.
I had an idea for a work around with it so it wasn't a total loss.
Any piece of wood can be re-purposed anyway like a guitar string trip wire if you have nothing else going for it.
My own family couldn't know the life experience I've had and those I have yet too.
I knew something would break eventually in my life but which part goes first?
The heart, the mind, the soul, my very physical body.
I know that feeling when a part of my soul has gone to someone else.
I felt deflated, lost, the old soul searching part of me looking for an answer.
The answer was right under my nose and I felt extremely alone in that instant.
I couldn't even fathom it, the absolute absurdity of it.
In some way she did confirm what I knew but she never said it.
Then I realized how little control I've had over everything I thought I could.
I couldn't even focus on my glue pot and left it running shattering the glass and the glue.
I knew that meant leaving California and trying to solve part of the time travel mystery back in New York.
I was pretty upset this month, and I didn't know how else to express my anger then with Yoga, Beach Days, distance runs, and swimming for the first time in a while.
On a Saturday at the beach I thought I ran into somebody I knew.
I said nothing I couldn't even be sure if it was her from another time, another place, there is no way to put it into words.
I've already seen the damage from time travel.
So why invent it at all?
Especially if in the future or the past it is misused.
My mom before she passed away talked about, "Walking the Tight Rope" I didn't think it would be so literal.
My belief system has been shattered, gone the notions of the typical American family, the good neighbor, the good semeritan.
The good in me is all beginning to peal away, knowing where I made the mistake.
Where I made the error its all like a world I thought could be mine.
Reverse the timelines, alter the outcome was always in the back of my mind.
The sad thing is there is no reversing it, no editing it like a film to the point of an Oscar winning film.
And the award goes to!
For my own reasons I'm trying to rely on god for an answer.
Its been so long since I've just made a simple prayer.
A simple blessing that someone else be protected from harm.
Or even myself to find salvation in whatever hell hole I find myself in the distant future.
No one will be there to follow me there either and knowing that I have to be strong despite all odds.
On that note I do not even know what time is anymore.
And I'd been so careful to be aware of it, when I was spending it, how I was spending it.
There is nothing left to say about it now and whatever I thought I knew about it is gone.
Despite all the bad that came from this month I couldn't just sit idle.
Inspired ideas formed in wake of failure, and I have no way of knowing if they will be finished ever.
I always leave out full names here to protect myself, the dream, and you.
I have already made the choice.
Death.
But will it be a death on my terms?
Will I see the end of this shattered world as its last time traveler?
Maybe it is all someone elses dream.
I am going to post more frequently to ease my own self loathing.
To close another open door behind me that brings a new one opening.
Keepin' it square ❏
-Astral Samurai
I felt bad about something so much so that I sawed the guitar neck in half as a display of emotion.
It took courage to destroy it, I loved the work I put into it, I liked the way it was coming out but the emotion tied with getting so close to a full build on the guitar tore me in half.
I could either keep building or act on these emotions but I let my emotions get the better of me.
I'd gone out of my way to ignore someone so close.
And a single moment can change everything.
Up to that moment I'd been so proud of everything I'd been through to amount to the creation of the shop, ideas, and work that I could focus on.
My ego felt inspired to act, to move, and without thinking it through I drove my grandmother's car recklessly.
I didn't give myself time to think, Always Forward I said to myself.
I wanted to share this moment with that person so close whom I'd already hurt.
It was enough of a memory for a lifetime but I said as I am walking, running, limping my way through hills, farms, flower beds, past horses, dogs, a Llama and in the end a very upset man with a gun, that I would remember this for her, so in the next life she would have it with her.
The moments experienced opened my eyes to my own life, my own fatal flaws, and awareness of my own strength.
I'd been using the time I had correctly for the most part, but not all of it.
I couldn't find a way to reach out to anyone so the escape was to seek it elsewhere.
It was back to working on another neck.
I had to go out and buy a new neck from Dave.
It was good seeing him despite certain distrust.
I bought another neck for $50 or so and he threw in a bridge and some dowels.
He kinda screwed me with the neck, the truss rod groove was to open letting the rod raddle around.
I had an idea for a work around with it so it wasn't a total loss.
Any piece of wood can be re-purposed anyway like a guitar string trip wire if you have nothing else going for it.
My own family couldn't know the life experience I've had and those I have yet too.
I knew something would break eventually in my life but which part goes first?
The heart, the mind, the soul, my very physical body.
I know that feeling when a part of my soul has gone to someone else.
I felt deflated, lost, the old soul searching part of me looking for an answer.
The answer was right under my nose and I felt extremely alone in that instant.
I couldn't even fathom it, the absolute absurdity of it.
In some way she did confirm what I knew but she never said it.
Then I realized how little control I've had over everything I thought I could.
I couldn't even focus on my glue pot and left it running shattering the glass and the glue.
I knew that meant leaving California and trying to solve part of the time travel mystery back in New York.
I was pretty upset this month, and I didn't know how else to express my anger then with Yoga, Beach Days, distance runs, and swimming for the first time in a while.
On a Saturday at the beach I thought I ran into somebody I knew.
I said nothing I couldn't even be sure if it was her from another time, another place, there is no way to put it into words.
I've already seen the damage from time travel.
So why invent it at all?
Especially if in the future or the past it is misused.
My mom before she passed away talked about, "Walking the Tight Rope" I didn't think it would be so literal.
My belief system has been shattered, gone the notions of the typical American family, the good neighbor, the good semeritan.
The good in me is all beginning to peal away, knowing where I made the mistake.
Where I made the error its all like a world I thought could be mine.
Reverse the timelines, alter the outcome was always in the back of my mind.
The sad thing is there is no reversing it, no editing it like a film to the point of an Oscar winning film.
And the award goes to!
For my own reasons I'm trying to rely on god for an answer.
Its been so long since I've just made a simple prayer.
A simple blessing that someone else be protected from harm.
Or even myself to find salvation in whatever hell hole I find myself in the distant future.
No one will be there to follow me there either and knowing that I have to be strong despite all odds.
On that note I do not even know what time is anymore.
And I'd been so careful to be aware of it, when I was spending it, how I was spending it.
There is nothing left to say about it now and whatever I thought I knew about it is gone.
Despite all the bad that came from this month I couldn't just sit idle.
Inspired ideas formed in wake of failure, and I have no way of knowing if they will be finished ever.
I always leave out full names here to protect myself, the dream, and you.
I have already made the choice.
Death.
But will it be a death on my terms?
Will I see the end of this shattered world as its last time traveler?
Maybe it is all someone elses dream.
I am going to post more frequently to ease my own self loathing.
To close another open door behind me that brings a new one opening.
Keepin' it square ❏
-Astral Samurai
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