Sunnyside Up
This month had to be one of the most comforting months Ive had in a while.
I kept going over something that happened.
Always the question why?
I didn't like that I felt comfortable despite knowing something went wrong.
I had that, oh im alive feeling and it was a reminder not to take any of these small moments for granted.
Having my family around was good, meeting up for a barbecue, a day at the beach.
A good friend was nice enough to take me for a ride to the beach too.
I fought the waves jumping over each one, diving under; coming back up, picking up rocks and sea shells with my feet.
I felt like a dolphin going under coming back up, twisting, and swimming back up for air.
I couldn't help but take a few photos taking some of the moments with me home.
My friend had a bright smile, her humor, kept me from being to serious about all of it.
Two girls pointed at me, their father and another boy came into view.
I could just barely pick up the conversation, about samurai's and their code of ethics.
Shhhhh!
A little girl ran around screaming at the seagulls, "That girls gonna win American Idol next yea!"
I had to laugh, "yes."
She got me home and I thanked her for taking me out, otherwise I'd certainly would've gone insane at home.
All I kept thinking about was failure, thinking I'd been so close to the truth, only a month before.
Why do we always hurt the people we love?
I thought back to a friend who asked, "Is it better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?"
Love back then was painful and it hurt to be far from her when all the things that she told me happened to her.
All I did back then was run, my imagination always saying I'm running for her.
I'd given into smoking years later, and now I'm looking back to my days as runner.
Six miles a day, 13 miles on a weekend
I wanted to go back to that and I started running out of the house trying to make the old loop around town.
It wasn't easy, I did about a mile and a half but I reminded myself to try again the next day.
The other part of me that knew how easy it was to buy a pack of cigarettes had to be silenced.
If its that easy to go smoke make it harder for yourself
On no condition will I go buy a pack of cigarettes
I will run everyday and I will reward my body for not picking up that cigarette
I will make sure to remind myself that every day I do no smoke I am making my health better.
I will live through the pain of withdrawal and I will find another way to stimulate my mind
Later on this month coffee found its way from my cup to the keyboard on my laptop.
I shut it down and tried to clean it out before it saturated the circuitry shorting it out.
Unfortunately nothing could save it, whether it was the battery, the internal circuitry it was toast.
I tried to salvage some of the parts and bought a kit to try to recover the hard drive with all my writing, games, recordings and photos. Fortunately the kit worked and I found my writing, photos, music and software intact.
It was a sigh of relief there is years worth of writing and even my personally recorded music on there.
I was pretty sure I passed into her three times.
Sometimes a cherry coke is just a cherry coke
At the least I got to see her laugh that was enough.
It was like her saying wherever I am I'm doing okay without you right now.
On one morning I woke up and found a trail of blood leading from the bathroom to the upstairs living room.
It was too much to be just a bloody nose.
I went back again to the memory I'd had of the sun pealing away at that exact spot where the blood ended.
A recurring dream from years ago that I could never forget.
What time would it be?
How would I get there?
Would I have enough time to open the front door?
Would I be smiling?
What would I be feeling?
Would anyone be there with me at that last moment?
Would I freeze to death instantly or be burned alive?
Whatever it would be that I'd go through I wouldn't be scared.
This much I knew.
At the point of death I'd have to relive it all and go through all the pain again but also the joy, the laughter, the pitfalls, the promises and the memories of those I'd encountered and lived through.
I am sure whatever it would be that I went through it would be welcoming to finally have it all end.
The question is, beyond that moment would there be something else for me.
Or would it just end and I'd be right back where my first memory took place.
Would I get to rest til I'm called upon again?
Something tells me I will.
For me this month was like a calm before the storm.
A time to reflect, take it easy, gather my strength and then go forward.
I decided to keep busy with art projects, reading, crossword puzzles and attempting to make a repair on the laptop.
Meeting up with friends, family, and yoga kept me from this warped internal dialogue.
What is it you're holding onto?
My anger
How do I surrender that anger?
There were three dreams this month, one of someone I met a few months back and the other a reminder.
"Well this is some way to treat a maistro!"
And you will go back there
The other,
We know you will still suffer
A third dream where I was in a limo with about 5 other girls, swimming with them off a boardwalk, and a hospital I'd never seen before.
I wanted to record a yoga session as a thank you to everyone at Namaste yoga.
The camera timed out and I put it off for the next month.
With months end this feeling of uncertainty, corrupted dialogue, and the memory of some thing terrible still floating in my mind from four years before and more recently I am still going forward for now that is all I can do.
Lastly I kept thinking on the potential of words themselves, how one word can cut like a knife or change someones perception of how they see themselves or even their actions.
As Always Keepin it square √
-Astral Samurai
I kept going over something that happened.
Always the question why?
I didn't like that I felt comfortable despite knowing something went wrong.
I had that, oh im alive feeling and it was a reminder not to take any of these small moments for granted.
Having my family around was good, meeting up for a barbecue, a day at the beach.
A good friend was nice enough to take me for a ride to the beach too.
I fought the waves jumping over each one, diving under; coming back up, picking up rocks and sea shells with my feet.
I felt like a dolphin going under coming back up, twisting, and swimming back up for air.
I couldn't help but take a few photos taking some of the moments with me home.
My friend had a bright smile, her humor, kept me from being to serious about all of it.
Two girls pointed at me, their father and another boy came into view.
I could just barely pick up the conversation, about samurai's and their code of ethics.
Shhhhh!
A little girl ran around screaming at the seagulls, "That girls gonna win American Idol next yea!"
I had to laugh, "yes."
She got me home and I thanked her for taking me out, otherwise I'd certainly would've gone insane at home.
All I kept thinking about was failure, thinking I'd been so close to the truth, only a month before.
Why do we always hurt the people we love?
I thought back to a friend who asked, "Is it better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?"
Love back then was painful and it hurt to be far from her when all the things that she told me happened to her.
All I did back then was run, my imagination always saying I'm running for her.
I'd given into smoking years later, and now I'm looking back to my days as runner.
Six miles a day, 13 miles on a weekend
I wanted to go back to that and I started running out of the house trying to make the old loop around town.
It wasn't easy, I did about a mile and a half but I reminded myself to try again the next day.
The other part of me that knew how easy it was to buy a pack of cigarettes had to be silenced.
If its that easy to go smoke make it harder for yourself
On no condition will I go buy a pack of cigarettes
I will run everyday and I will reward my body for not picking up that cigarette
I will make sure to remind myself that every day I do no smoke I am making my health better.
I will live through the pain of withdrawal and I will find another way to stimulate my mind
Later on this month coffee found its way from my cup to the keyboard on my laptop.
I shut it down and tried to clean it out before it saturated the circuitry shorting it out.
Unfortunately nothing could save it, whether it was the battery, the internal circuitry it was toast.
I tried to salvage some of the parts and bought a kit to try to recover the hard drive with all my writing, games, recordings and photos. Fortunately the kit worked and I found my writing, photos, music and software intact.
It was a sigh of relief there is years worth of writing and even my personally recorded music on there.
I was pretty sure I passed into her three times.
Sometimes a cherry coke is just a cherry coke
At the least I got to see her laugh that was enough.
It was like her saying wherever I am I'm doing okay without you right now.
On one morning I woke up and found a trail of blood leading from the bathroom to the upstairs living room.
It was too much to be just a bloody nose.
I went back again to the memory I'd had of the sun pealing away at that exact spot where the blood ended.
A recurring dream from years ago that I could never forget.
What time would it be?
How would I get there?
Would I have enough time to open the front door?
Would I be smiling?
What would I be feeling?
Would anyone be there with me at that last moment?
Would I freeze to death instantly or be burned alive?
Whatever it would be that I'd go through I wouldn't be scared.
This much I knew.
At the point of death I'd have to relive it all and go through all the pain again but also the joy, the laughter, the pitfalls, the promises and the memories of those I'd encountered and lived through.
I am sure whatever it would be that I went through it would be welcoming to finally have it all end.
The question is, beyond that moment would there be something else for me.
Or would it just end and I'd be right back where my first memory took place.
Would I get to rest til I'm called upon again?
Something tells me I will.
For me this month was like a calm before the storm.
A time to reflect, take it easy, gather my strength and then go forward.
I decided to keep busy with art projects, reading, crossword puzzles and attempting to make a repair on the laptop.
Meeting up with friends, family, and yoga kept me from this warped internal dialogue.
What is it you're holding onto?
My anger
How do I surrender that anger?
There were three dreams this month, one of someone I met a few months back and the other a reminder.
"Well this is some way to treat a maistro!"
And you will go back there
The other,
We know you will still suffer
A third dream where I was in a limo with about 5 other girls, swimming with them off a boardwalk, and a hospital I'd never seen before.
I wanted to record a yoga session as a thank you to everyone at Namaste yoga.
The camera timed out and I put it off for the next month.
With months end this feeling of uncertainty, corrupted dialogue, and the memory of some thing terrible still floating in my mind from four years before and more recently I am still going forward for now that is all I can do.
Lastly I kept thinking on the potential of words themselves, how one word can cut like a knife or change someones perception of how they see themselves or even their actions.
As Always Keepin it square √
-Astral Samurai
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