It Hurts To Be Hurt Like This
September started off calmly, with the weather heating up, clear blue skies then a flush of humidity, and finally a cooling release of rain. I should've been a weather man.
I did most of the work on the guitar on and off all month.
Gluing it together piece by piece, then sanding and finishing.
I was afraid to do the last part, stringing it up, what would she, Krista sound like?
I nervously anticipated the final guitar, here I was with my mind focused on something else completely.
There was a little girl in my head asking, "Mommy why doesn't he finish the story?"
"Because we all make mistakes honey."
"But why mommy, why?"
Here I was cycling through memories knowing they'd all been true but unlike most people no rearranging them. This will always be my flaw, a 20/20 memory that will one day run out.
They'll wait til this man is on his last leg, no good ideas left, stripped of even the memories he left behind with himself.
That is the worst thing they could have done to strip everyone else of what I knew of myself.
The good always cloaked by what they would say, or think, not what actually took place.
The cynic in me was surely taking over, looking at the world with a terrible outlook, my mom would've said, "Don't trust anybody." I should have taken that advice when I had the opportunity.
Now I don't feel I can even trust myself.
Stuck between a decision I thought would come to me, now its just a riddle, a stack of confusion, that doesn't seem to add up to anything.
Why is it that we always seem to pick up on the warning too late?
Whether its a date from a distant piece of writing on a wall from an obscure 18th century Warlock?
Or an Aunt who slyly hints, from scratch...
Its because the damage was already done it had to exist so the mistake is realized.
Remember that kid in me who used to say, "I'm gonna save the world!"
And a certain science teacher who used to say, "Let the kid win."
If the trade off is failure in my own life to the success of everyone else including the discovery of interstellar travel then I can accept that, if not then I'll be repeating the failure for eternity.
There were three dreams this month, in one I was in a convenience store, a girl was asking, "Why are you protecting them, like they're animals or something?"
"Whatsa matter honey don't like the year 95?"
I'd say to that girl that in all likely hood they are trying to protect you from us or that they thought they were.
Remember that censorship is another kind of weapon too.
In the other dream I was in a hospital bed, I saw two men to my right both of whom I recognized, one a police officer and the other an orderly. They exchanged an envelope something was written on it but I couldn't see what it said.
The last dream was somewhere in California, "See he doesn't even know the difference." and I ran toward a car in the middle of the street.
"Whats on your mind Sean?"
"Well M I think we're going to have to close this season...early."
And an embrace that left me with a sense of extreme sadness.
From all that I'm worried about the future, I was so careful to not interact with anything, to figure out what time travel was really going to amount to, being logical about all of it, but I forgot the most important part, the human part of it, the interaction itself.
I am sure if my life we're to be told as a movie, it would be subtitled something like, "A brilliant scientist in a moment of courage and passion destroys a work of art and the course of history is changed forever."
I now worry about a dystopian future in which all things, all progress we've made as humans goes backwards. The light turning off. There is no way to know though. Then again, What the fuck does he know about time travel?
And the longer you take to answer a question the more likely someone else is going to answer it.
What are you going to do different this time Sean?...Nothing different...
I was thinking on my own future, in fantasy, retired to Mongolia, living out of a Ger, a flock of sheep to tend to, a watch dog to guard against wolves, two horses, one for riding, one for breeding, helping passerbys get to where they're going, a bow and a quiver of arrows for seasonal hunting, drinking to excess in true mongol tradition. Some crazy kid with lofty ideals would approach, "You don't know how hard it was to find you!" And there I would be bitching about how much of failure time travel really was. That is all just fantasy of course, but I would've liked that.
No I'd know how I got there, I'd even know why I got there, karma.
On the positive side there was a Yoga Meetup online with six other yogis including the instructor.
It was a good experience that left me with a feeling of warmth traveling through me, the echo of the mantras and meditation took me away from the negativity momentarily.
Another friend met up with me in the city and we went to the theater for a burlesque show.
It was fun, wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be and the memories from that night are still vivid.
I had to make a trip to a lab to get blood work done and I ran into a woman I knew.
She recognized me I hadn't seen her in years since a friend's party.
She was running back & forth, and there was something really wrong with that picture.
I almost felt threatened, like well what did I do wrong?
I reasoned out that if it wasn't me, that she was running some kind of scam, with the guy in the wheel chair.
I remember her complaining about her ankle how she broke it at work and sued.
Seeing her run like that was a red flag.
I would've made a helluva detective!
For my Birthday I sat at a lake front and screamed for an hour, a white swan took little notice doing his/her thing.
Happy Birthday Sean you're already dead! WOOOO!
Because the quantum possibility that I'm dead is 100% possible.
And no its not a laughing matter, but you're welcome to turn that into any kind of joke you want.
ha ha-haha
People grieve for 5 minutes then move on because there is always more life to live.
I do remember a dream from years ago, just a simple voice, When you die you will sleep for 200,000 years
And I wonder will I dream there too?
With months end and the guitar stringed up.
I realize how easy it really is to build.
As Dave said, "Ya just glue it."
Granted it isn't a mathematically perfect guitar but it does work.
As Always Keepin' it Square
-Astral
I did most of the work on the guitar on and off all month.
Gluing it together piece by piece, then sanding and finishing.
I was afraid to do the last part, stringing it up, what would she, Krista sound like?
I nervously anticipated the final guitar, here I was with my mind focused on something else completely.
There was a little girl in my head asking, "Mommy why doesn't he finish the story?"
"Because we all make mistakes honey."
"But why mommy, why?"
Here I was cycling through memories knowing they'd all been true but unlike most people no rearranging them. This will always be my flaw, a 20/20 memory that will one day run out.
They'll wait til this man is on his last leg, no good ideas left, stripped of even the memories he left behind with himself.
That is the worst thing they could have done to strip everyone else of what I knew of myself.
The good always cloaked by what they would say, or think, not what actually took place.
The cynic in me was surely taking over, looking at the world with a terrible outlook, my mom would've said, "Don't trust anybody." I should have taken that advice when I had the opportunity.
Now I don't feel I can even trust myself.
Stuck between a decision I thought would come to me, now its just a riddle, a stack of confusion, that doesn't seem to add up to anything.
Why is it that we always seem to pick up on the warning too late?
Whether its a date from a distant piece of writing on a wall from an obscure 18th century Warlock?
Or an Aunt who slyly hints, from scratch...
Its because the damage was already done it had to exist so the mistake is realized.
Remember that kid in me who used to say, "I'm gonna save the world!"
And a certain science teacher who used to say, "Let the kid win."
If the trade off is failure in my own life to the success of everyone else including the discovery of interstellar travel then I can accept that, if not then I'll be repeating the failure for eternity.
There were three dreams this month, in one I was in a convenience store, a girl was asking, "Why are you protecting them, like they're animals or something?"
"Whatsa matter honey don't like the year 95?"
I'd say to that girl that in all likely hood they are trying to protect you from us or that they thought they were.
Remember that censorship is another kind of weapon too.
In the other dream I was in a hospital bed, I saw two men to my right both of whom I recognized, one a police officer and the other an orderly. They exchanged an envelope something was written on it but I couldn't see what it said.
The last dream was somewhere in California, "See he doesn't even know the difference." and I ran toward a car in the middle of the street.
"Whats on your mind Sean?"
"Well M I think we're going to have to close this season...early."
And an embrace that left me with a sense of extreme sadness.
From all that I'm worried about the future, I was so careful to not interact with anything, to figure out what time travel was really going to amount to, being logical about all of it, but I forgot the most important part, the human part of it, the interaction itself.
I am sure if my life we're to be told as a movie, it would be subtitled something like, "A brilliant scientist in a moment of courage and passion destroys a work of art and the course of history is changed forever."
I now worry about a dystopian future in which all things, all progress we've made as humans goes backwards. The light turning off. There is no way to know though. Then again, What the fuck does he know about time travel?
And the longer you take to answer a question the more likely someone else is going to answer it.
What are you going to do different this time Sean?...Nothing different...
I was thinking on my own future, in fantasy, retired to Mongolia, living out of a Ger, a flock of sheep to tend to, a watch dog to guard against wolves, two horses, one for riding, one for breeding, helping passerbys get to where they're going, a bow and a quiver of arrows for seasonal hunting, drinking to excess in true mongol tradition. Some crazy kid with lofty ideals would approach, "You don't know how hard it was to find you!" And there I would be bitching about how much of failure time travel really was. That is all just fantasy of course, but I would've liked that.
No I'd know how I got there, I'd even know why I got there, karma.
On the positive side there was a Yoga Meetup online with six other yogis including the instructor.
It was a good experience that left me with a feeling of warmth traveling through me, the echo of the mantras and meditation took me away from the negativity momentarily.
Another friend met up with me in the city and we went to the theater for a burlesque show.
It was fun, wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be and the memories from that night are still vivid.
I had to make a trip to a lab to get blood work done and I ran into a woman I knew.
She recognized me I hadn't seen her in years since a friend's party.
She was running back & forth, and there was something really wrong with that picture.
I almost felt threatened, like well what did I do wrong?
I reasoned out that if it wasn't me, that she was running some kind of scam, with the guy in the wheel chair.
I remember her complaining about her ankle how she broke it at work and sued.
Seeing her run like that was a red flag.
I would've made a helluva detective!
For my Birthday I sat at a lake front and screamed for an hour, a white swan took little notice doing his/her thing.
Happy Birthday Sean you're already dead! WOOOO!
Because the quantum possibility that I'm dead is 100% possible.
And no its not a laughing matter, but you're welcome to turn that into any kind of joke you want.
ha ha-haha
People grieve for 5 minutes then move on because there is always more life to live.
I do remember a dream from years ago, just a simple voice, When you die you will sleep for 200,000 years
And I wonder will I dream there too?
With months end and the guitar stringed up.
I realize how easy it really is to build.
As Dave said, "Ya just glue it."
Granted it isn't a mathematically perfect guitar but it does work.
As Always Keepin' it Square
-Astral
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