A Man Of No Small Controversy
I am sure somewhere in my Wikipedia page it will say, "A man of no small controversy"
I kept looking at my blade thinking on seppuku.
If I took my own life would it save me from a future I couldn't live with?
I had the blade at my stomach, whats stopping you?
The pain.
I could've just cut horizontally across my abdomen the blood would have rushed out I would've slowly fell asleep never to wake again.
A samurai is typically supposed to get permission from their sensei, and a ceremony is involved resulting in the beheading of the samurai.
This is usually done when dishonored or captured by the enemy.
I kept thinking to myself, there are no enemies out here, only yourself.
I took an hour or so practicing iaijitsu stances.
I watched horse riders go by, I was about to walk out toward a trail and I noticed a man at the corner of my eye.
He was in his 50s maybe, grey hair, his eyes looked tired, I noticed him just passing by looking at the blade.
I could swear the man might have been me, years from now, aged, broken, defeated.
The future is always subjugated to the past
But it was a reminder I have an obligation to fulfill now.
There is really no escaping death, and my belief in an afterlife is nearly none existent.
I need a negative before I see a positive.
My grandmother's words chimed in, "Its all a joke and you're taking it too seriously."
I will always take life too seriously even when it has made a joke of me.
The more you try to fight becoming that thing, the more you become that thing.
I suppose all great ideas come out of necessity, necessity being the mother of invention.
But there is always someone that wants what you have because they are envious, they don't have that.
In the end I doubt I will have anything to laugh about the cycle of abuse completed exactly as it was meant to be.
I am certain my dream will fall short too, but before then I'll try to achieve as much as I can with this life.
As someone said, "There are no happy endings in life, only the journey."
I realized that the dream I've had about the sun pealing away is the lowest point of consciousness for me.
Which was why I was able to see it so clearly all those years ago.
Beyond that point is there anything left to see?
Nothing? Everything?
Its an existential question that won't be answered til the end of my life.
Some words can cut so deep that they feel like a splinter in your mind, growing, festering, spawning into something vengeful, terrible and dark.
The only thing that keeps me going is the desire for kinder, gentler, words.
Knowledge is power, but as one gives of that knowledge so too leaves that power.
It is strange to be sitting on history.but how am I effecting history personally now?
Out of all the things I'd leave behind when I'm gone, whether it be my art, guitars, writing, memories or technology I'd want to ensure the next generations have a way to continue the journey beyond Earth.
It almost sounds adolescent but the human spirit is amazingly resilient and we are not known for simply taking a fall without making a stand.
There is only one question now, Was I right? or Was I wrong?
And that remains to be seen.
I kept looking at my blade thinking on seppuku.
If I took my own life would it save me from a future I couldn't live with?
I had the blade at my stomach, whats stopping you?
The pain.
I could've just cut horizontally across my abdomen the blood would have rushed out I would've slowly fell asleep never to wake again.
A samurai is typically supposed to get permission from their sensei, and a ceremony is involved resulting in the beheading of the samurai.
This is usually done when dishonored or captured by the enemy.
I kept thinking to myself, there are no enemies out here, only yourself.
I took an hour or so practicing iaijitsu stances.
I watched horse riders go by, I was about to walk out toward a trail and I noticed a man at the corner of my eye.
He was in his 50s maybe, grey hair, his eyes looked tired, I noticed him just passing by looking at the blade.
I could swear the man might have been me, years from now, aged, broken, defeated.
The future is always subjugated to the past
But it was a reminder I have an obligation to fulfill now.
There is really no escaping death, and my belief in an afterlife is nearly none existent.
I need a negative before I see a positive.
My grandmother's words chimed in, "Its all a joke and you're taking it too seriously."
I will always take life too seriously even when it has made a joke of me.
The more you try to fight becoming that thing, the more you become that thing.
I suppose all great ideas come out of necessity, necessity being the mother of invention.
But there is always someone that wants what you have because they are envious, they don't have that.
In the end I doubt I will have anything to laugh about the cycle of abuse completed exactly as it was meant to be.
I am certain my dream will fall short too, but before then I'll try to achieve as much as I can with this life.
As someone said, "There are no happy endings in life, only the journey."
I realized that the dream I've had about the sun pealing away is the lowest point of consciousness for me.
Which was why I was able to see it so clearly all those years ago.
Beyond that point is there anything left to see?
Nothing? Everything?
Its an existential question that won't be answered til the end of my life.
Some words can cut so deep that they feel like a splinter in your mind, growing, festering, spawning into something vengeful, terrible and dark.
The only thing that keeps me going is the desire for kinder, gentler, words.
Knowledge is power, but as one gives of that knowledge so too leaves that power.
It is strange to be sitting on history.but how am I effecting history personally now?
Out of all the things I'd leave behind when I'm gone, whether it be my art, guitars, writing, memories or technology I'd want to ensure the next generations have a way to continue the journey beyond Earth.
It almost sounds adolescent but the human spirit is amazingly resilient and we are not known for simply taking a fall without making a stand.
There is only one question now, Was I right? or Was I wrong?
And that remains to be seen.
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