Complications
I was getting too caught up in everything.
Memory lapses, dreaming during the day, fighting to stay awake.
I was trying to hang onto every memory, every positive experience I've had or will have.
Something was wrong, terribly wrong, but I kept looking at all the photos I had hung up or were in photo albums.
If I had to go into a dark place or a place where I would be hurt those memories would carry me through each day of pain.
So far for this year I haven't got much done, I tried finishing off a guitar build back in California but ended up splitting the soundboard rendering it useless.
I repurposed it into an art piece painting the top and sides into a collage of different colors.
It gave me something to do.
I came back to New York unhappily nothing seemed different.
I really wanted something else out here.
The guitar I built out here in New York wasn't quite a perfect build either.
The neck needed to be reset, restringed, the nut glued down again.
I was tired each morning and tried to keep myself busy and awake from what was happening in my mind.
Short walks, sprints, going forward, a prayer at church for those of my family that are gone.
I kept experiencing a narrative that wasn't my own as if someone else was channeling me through my life as it is now.
I tried reading but again the narrative took place and I was actively distracted from writing, building.
I didn't really want to come back to New York and I still feel bothered despite being comfortable.
I checked into a local luthier who has a shop not too far from here.
He had some interesting builds that I would've liked to check out.
His asking price for a repair was too much and for a custom build into the thousands which wouldn't fit my budget even if I saved for a year.
I started thinking long term, wanting a trip to Mongolia, yoga, just get a way from it all.
It all feels wrong, like my skin crawling up my body, and I feel emotionally uncomfortable.
I keep thinking forward a couple of guitars from now I should be able to sell, experiment a little, with different design ideas.
I have this terrible feeling like someone is slipping something in my ears.
I am under a lot of stress and am trying to find an escape from my own worries.
I am in a state of nostalgia looking at time spent in other places.
London, Belgium, France, and I am thinking about people I've met along the way that did not keep in touch for whatever reason.
I think it is just that life itself takes over and people find their own way.
Their own dreams to follow, their art, their ideas, their families, in a nomadic way almost.
When one gets older they slow down set in there ways abandoning their dreams, higher goals, because the world weighs down & people way down on you because of responsibility.
I look at my life now and having this freedom knowing that it won't be like this forever.
I have in a way lost sight on my goals again looking to my dreams for an answer.
I feel as if a part of my spirit is dieing away left in the past.
I am carrying another kind of burden now and it makes my head feel heavy.
As someone I met once said to me "people do what they do."
There's a touch of fear at the edge of my mind because things are happening that I didn't expect.
I am regretting a lot of things with that shameful feeling.
Otherwise I am taking it one day at a time what else can one do?
What it comes down to is its winter, its cold, and I am tired.
Yoga keeps me going
and as always
-Keepin' it square
Memory lapses, dreaming during the day, fighting to stay awake.
I was trying to hang onto every memory, every positive experience I've had or will have.
Something was wrong, terribly wrong, but I kept looking at all the photos I had hung up or were in photo albums.
If I had to go into a dark place or a place where I would be hurt those memories would carry me through each day of pain.
So far for this year I haven't got much done, I tried finishing off a guitar build back in California but ended up splitting the soundboard rendering it useless.
I repurposed it into an art piece painting the top and sides into a collage of different colors.
It gave me something to do.
I came back to New York unhappily nothing seemed different.
I really wanted something else out here.
The guitar I built out here in New York wasn't quite a perfect build either.
The neck needed to be reset, restringed, the nut glued down again.
I was tired each morning and tried to keep myself busy and awake from what was happening in my mind.
Short walks, sprints, going forward, a prayer at church for those of my family that are gone.
I kept experiencing a narrative that wasn't my own as if someone else was channeling me through my life as it is now.
I tried reading but again the narrative took place and I was actively distracted from writing, building.
I didn't really want to come back to New York and I still feel bothered despite being comfortable.
I checked into a local luthier who has a shop not too far from here.
He had some interesting builds that I would've liked to check out.
His asking price for a repair was too much and for a custom build into the thousands which wouldn't fit my budget even if I saved for a year.
I started thinking long term, wanting a trip to Mongolia, yoga, just get a way from it all.
It all feels wrong, like my skin crawling up my body, and I feel emotionally uncomfortable.
I keep thinking forward a couple of guitars from now I should be able to sell, experiment a little, with different design ideas.
I have this terrible feeling like someone is slipping something in my ears.
I am under a lot of stress and am trying to find an escape from my own worries.
I am in a state of nostalgia looking at time spent in other places.
London, Belgium, France, and I am thinking about people I've met along the way that did not keep in touch for whatever reason.
I think it is just that life itself takes over and people find their own way.
Their own dreams to follow, their art, their ideas, their families, in a nomadic way almost.
When one gets older they slow down set in there ways abandoning their dreams, higher goals, because the world weighs down & people way down on you because of responsibility.
I look at my life now and having this freedom knowing that it won't be like this forever.
I have in a way lost sight on my goals again looking to my dreams for an answer.
I feel as if a part of my spirit is dieing away left in the past.
I am carrying another kind of burden now and it makes my head feel heavy.
As someone I met once said to me "people do what they do."
There's a touch of fear at the edge of my mind because things are happening that I didn't expect.
I am regretting a lot of things with that shameful feeling.
Otherwise I am taking it one day at a time what else can one do?
What it comes down to is its winter, its cold, and I am tired.
Yoga keeps me going
and as always
-Keepin' it square
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