Fire in Veins
It is summer now in New York my body is on fire from humid weather.
Its sticky like I remember in past stays here.
After 2 months of seclusion and resurfacing to much of the same that I left in.
I am now deep into a first draft of "The Aftermen" a writing project I started late last year.
Its been fun, deep and violent.
Its kept me out of my own thoughts and going into character is easier then spending time with myself.
I've had been in a state of cynicism since leaving California.
Do people really care about each other?
That question & others like it are in the darker depths of my conscience.
Taking a walk out of the house, trying to stay grounded with Yoga.
A well deserved massage for my lower back pain.
Dreams have been less persistent though I've been paying less attention to them.
Most of them are inconsequential and don't seem to make too much sense.
I thought on my time spent in London with my mom and just wish it could have been different.
Though I could not call it my worst experience it was certainly tragic.
Watching my mom drink herself away, the two of them her and her husband at each others throats.
Being alone in the flat, "the moldy house" as it had become known.
That sense of decay and the paranoia from having CCTVs all over.
I can at least say that she saw me act in an amateur rendition of Gilbert and Sulivan's "Pirates of Penzance." Even so I would have liked to make more of it.
Back then I was too stubborn to ask for money and even when I had to it all made me feel guilty.
If money had been no object I'm sure it would have been a more adventurous experience.
The cost of living was double that of New York City which made it terribly difficult to live in.
My mom held onto the flat after her husband died like it was a battle ground.
I heard her call for help and I was too self involved to go back over there.
I know that after her husband died some part of her went with him.
She was never the same.
Don't trust anybody
The most sensible advice I got from her while there and after.
Now all I have is my father and my grandmother as far as parental figures go.
Though I have collected a few mother figure friends, the father figures are much harder to find.
As far as wood working goes, I've been on the look out for a 4x4 of ash to turn into a bat for my little cousin.
It seems easy enough but finding a 4x4 of ash is harder then it is to build a baseball bat.
I would very much like to be in California where my shop is but unfortunately I am essentially grounded.
Something is a wry and soon there will be enough friction that more then likely I will either be out on my own, back in California, or in some other place unpredictably.
I am still bothered about those timelines, but what can you do.
Who would've thought that a couple of dates, with license plates and vehicle models would be that important.
But one moment can change an entire life.
And that moment can never be changed.
It wasn't the timelines themselves that were important but the moments before they were lost.
No one else would understand it and to prove it is an uphill battle that can never be won.
Perhaps in the aftermath of what I discover someone else will find a greater use for it.
Time itself is perfect, a beginning, a middle, and a certain end.
Like a wheel turning over and over till it finally stops but one must build the wheel before using it.
I am having to go back to a state of alertness being more aware of what is going on around me.
A look over the shoulder or a suspicious nod toward people on the street I do not know.
Things have kind of been thrown up in the air from the beginning of the year's failures.
Small projects kept me busy but I'd rather be on the otherside of the coast cutting away at that yet unfinished guitar build.
I've also been strapped for money and my budget is going to have to be tight for at least this month if not the rest of the year.
I'm looking at September for a return to California due to the cost of flights.
I am considering a different kind of venture one that uses the heart over the sensibility of the mind.
Sometimes it is harder to put your heart on your shoulder then it is to use reason and logic to calculate your way through somethings.
Sometimes love is the strongest part of what otherwise would be climbing a wall or a rock.
With the rest of the year full of uncertainty I only can assume things will work out whatever way they are meant to good or bad.
As always,
Keepin' it Square ❏
-Astral Samurai
Its sticky like I remember in past stays here.
After 2 months of seclusion and resurfacing to much of the same that I left in.
I am now deep into a first draft of "The Aftermen" a writing project I started late last year.
Its been fun, deep and violent.
Its kept me out of my own thoughts and going into character is easier then spending time with myself.
I've had been in a state of cynicism since leaving California.
Do people really care about each other?
That question & others like it are in the darker depths of my conscience.
Taking a walk out of the house, trying to stay grounded with Yoga.
A well deserved massage for my lower back pain.
Dreams have been less persistent though I've been paying less attention to them.
Most of them are inconsequential and don't seem to make too much sense.
I thought on my time spent in London with my mom and just wish it could have been different.
Though I could not call it my worst experience it was certainly tragic.
Watching my mom drink herself away, the two of them her and her husband at each others throats.
Being alone in the flat, "the moldy house" as it had become known.
That sense of decay and the paranoia from having CCTVs all over.
I can at least say that she saw me act in an amateur rendition of Gilbert and Sulivan's "Pirates of Penzance." Even so I would have liked to make more of it.
Back then I was too stubborn to ask for money and even when I had to it all made me feel guilty.
If money had been no object I'm sure it would have been a more adventurous experience.
The cost of living was double that of New York City which made it terribly difficult to live in.
My mom held onto the flat after her husband died like it was a battle ground.
I heard her call for help and I was too self involved to go back over there.
I know that after her husband died some part of her went with him.
She was never the same.
Don't trust anybody
The most sensible advice I got from her while there and after.
Now all I have is my father and my grandmother as far as parental figures go.
Though I have collected a few mother figure friends, the father figures are much harder to find.
As far as wood working goes, I've been on the look out for a 4x4 of ash to turn into a bat for my little cousin.
It seems easy enough but finding a 4x4 of ash is harder then it is to build a baseball bat.
I would very much like to be in California where my shop is but unfortunately I am essentially grounded.
Something is a wry and soon there will be enough friction that more then likely I will either be out on my own, back in California, or in some other place unpredictably.
I am still bothered about those timelines, but what can you do.
Who would've thought that a couple of dates, with license plates and vehicle models would be that important.
But one moment can change an entire life.
And that moment can never be changed.
It wasn't the timelines themselves that were important but the moments before they were lost.
No one else would understand it and to prove it is an uphill battle that can never be won.
Perhaps in the aftermath of what I discover someone else will find a greater use for it.
Time itself is perfect, a beginning, a middle, and a certain end.
Like a wheel turning over and over till it finally stops but one must build the wheel before using it.
I am having to go back to a state of alertness being more aware of what is going on around me.
A look over the shoulder or a suspicious nod toward people on the street I do not know.
Things have kind of been thrown up in the air from the beginning of the year's failures.
Small projects kept me busy but I'd rather be on the otherside of the coast cutting away at that yet unfinished guitar build.
I've also been strapped for money and my budget is going to have to be tight for at least this month if not the rest of the year.
I'm looking at September for a return to California due to the cost of flights.
I am considering a different kind of venture one that uses the heart over the sensibility of the mind.
Sometimes it is harder to put your heart on your shoulder then it is to use reason and logic to calculate your way through somethings.
Sometimes love is the strongest part of what otherwise would be climbing a wall or a rock.
With the rest of the year full of uncertainty I only can assume things will work out whatever way they are meant to good or bad.
As always,
Keepin' it Square ❏
-Astral Samurai
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