Awaking From A Long Sleep
This blog for sometime has been hidden away and dormant for years now.
I am only reopening this because now is the right time.
Soon there will be changes in my life and in yours too.
I have been seeking out a dream for many years.
Many years back say about fifteen years ago I dreamed of being on trial.
I tried to actively pursue that dream then gave up on it thinking it impossible.
Why a trial?
The trial is not a judgement or a punishment but a liberation.
A stepping stone to freedom and then from freedom to rebellion.
From rebellion the future I've anticipated for many years and I can only hope for that future.
The last few years have been hard though not uncomfortable.
I still dream though not as actively since I am more focused on what I must do from day to day then to ponder on dream sequences.
Though I can say I have what one might call day dreams and they are the future at least the future I want. No not want, the future I need.
This last year has been lost to deaths in my life.
My plan regarding returning to California permanently effected and now changed because of one of those deaths.
With that I cannot return to California next year.
Now the pressure is on and I am determined to fulfill a promise to myself and to her.
I wanted to see her this year but it was not meant to be.
I am sure that she would have been disappointed in seeing me anyway.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her and it would have changed things even more.
It might have even helped her to know what happened to me but its impossible to speculate on something that now can never be.
She had said some time ago that I was conflicted.
I was conflicted, and I am conflicted even more now.
Things back then were simpler.
If there is no moral conflict that there is no development as a person.
Many years ago I asked her to come here and she'd said nothing would be different.
She was wrong everything would be different to the point of life being unrecognizable.
And she is scared, she doesn't know me, and I am too self involved not just for her but for almost everyone.
I am careful not to say too much because the internal conflicts are as yet still unresolved.
I expect many changes this year, not all of them will be good.
However they will be necessary.
I am expecting to be hurt because for what I want I have to use all my strength and courage to get it.
I could be wrong too I could be ignoring a small detail that will trip me up for a while.
I cannot just do what I want, and I can't throw caution to the wind.
There is a set of rules now, conditions that have to be fulfilled exactly the right way.
It is like walking a tight rope on a skyscraper if you lose your balance you will fall.
I hope my ambition is met this year even though my instincts are telling me that it will probably be another year before I get what I want.
After a long sleep I have finally awakened.
Keepin' it □
I am only reopening this because now is the right time.
Soon there will be changes in my life and in yours too.
I have been seeking out a dream for many years.
Many years back say about fifteen years ago I dreamed of being on trial.
I tried to actively pursue that dream then gave up on it thinking it impossible.
Why a trial?
The trial is not a judgement or a punishment but a liberation.
A stepping stone to freedom and then from freedom to rebellion.
From rebellion the future I've anticipated for many years and I can only hope for that future.
The last few years have been hard though not uncomfortable.
I still dream though not as actively since I am more focused on what I must do from day to day then to ponder on dream sequences.
Though I can say I have what one might call day dreams and they are the future at least the future I want. No not want, the future I need.
This last year has been lost to deaths in my life.
My plan regarding returning to California permanently effected and now changed because of one of those deaths.
With that I cannot return to California next year.
Now the pressure is on and I am determined to fulfill a promise to myself and to her.
I wanted to see her this year but it was not meant to be.
I am sure that she would have been disappointed in seeing me anyway.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her and it would have changed things even more.
It might have even helped her to know what happened to me but its impossible to speculate on something that now can never be.
She had said some time ago that I was conflicted.
I was conflicted, and I am conflicted even more now.
Things back then were simpler.
If there is no moral conflict that there is no development as a person.
Many years ago I asked her to come here and she'd said nothing would be different.
She was wrong everything would be different to the point of life being unrecognizable.
And she is scared, she doesn't know me, and I am too self involved not just for her but for almost everyone.
I am careful not to say too much because the internal conflicts are as yet still unresolved.
I expect many changes this year, not all of them will be good.
However they will be necessary.
I am expecting to be hurt because for what I want I have to use all my strength and courage to get it.
I could be wrong too I could be ignoring a small detail that will trip me up for a while.
I cannot just do what I want, and I can't throw caution to the wind.
There is a set of rules now, conditions that have to be fulfilled exactly the right way.
It is like walking a tight rope on a skyscraper if you lose your balance you will fall.
I hope my ambition is met this year even though my instincts are telling me that it will probably be another year before I get what I want.
After a long sleep I have finally awakened.
Keepin' it □
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