Disenfectant & High Ideals

 I actually am not a highschool graduate.

It is often when I am asked on an employer's job application that I have lied about it in the past.

Not to avoid the job but to address the question honestly I tell the truth now.

I was actually mislead many years ago by the highschool administration after my first hospitalization in a psychiatric ward. They said or at least the school psychologist said, "You asked for our help." Oh no I didn't. No I asked you if I could complete my highschool education with my graduating class the school and that psychologist said, "No." This was all during the Bush era when phrases like "No child left behind" actually left one child behind. Maybe I'm not reading deep enough into it. It doesn't say anywhere during the strange and usual propaganda that was delivered from the Bush administration in the 2000s that the education system was obligated to keep a troubled or unusual student in it's student body. Especially one with alleged mental health issues and differing political views from that of the establishment. I was social distanced before it was a thing. This isolation caused me to look inward a lot. Something that as a developing teenager effected my perception of myself and effected my social standing amongst what would have been my peers. I grew up knowing that I had offended the educators save for a few. I had to hear it 2nd hand from friends what was being said about me behind my back, "He's a bad person! Don't talk to him!" Uh oh I think whatever that teacher was really thinking was more about avoiding their own embarrassment rather than to protect the students she was influencing. Including victimizing me without even realizing it. 

There were other things said that never will reach my ears but I can guess what they were.

The bush era and the absence of having a place to go during the day made for a dark and lonely era for me. One in which I combated with long runs up to 6 miles in a day. And long distance phone calls to a best friend into the twilight hours. Eventually a combination of opposing forces from the school and from a friend from a far convinced me way back in 2004 that I needed to shock the high school. I found a way to do it. 

It took 6 months of planning and repetition to finally engage what I believe to be one of the most dramatic and theatrical displays of grandeur in my life. It may seem like nothing to most. It may have stuck in memory with those who saw it happen. But it was never filmed or recorded and so escapes a greater audience. At the time I was mad I'd been told from the previous year that no you can't come back to the highschool. Despite having a schedule sent to my house. Despite the promise of letting me return based on what I had up until then agreed to in order to satisfy the highschool administration. I should have realized how important the law is at the time instead all I knew was to fear the law. A lawyer may have taken the case may have even been able to settle with the highschool and I would have been satisfied. Even if it were a minimal settlement I would have been happy to have been acknowledged. My dad did not care about what my best interests really were only stated what he thought they should be and never sat down with me had a man to man and asked me once well what are your interests? It was an extremely negligent way to treat the eldest son and so I resolved to decide on my own what I had to do to make a statement or perform an act that would easily cause more controversy for me. At the time I had no clear understanding of what someones reputation could say about somebody. I had high ideals now lowered by the circumstances I have come to know in life.

My father feared losing his house to the hospital something they later threatened to take away if he didn't pay the medical bills associated with the psychiatric hospitalizations. Something my dad cowardly backed down from when he heard that. He paid into it when I clearly suffered damages by the mental health system from what easily would have been a provable case for malpractice. My dad had a poor understanding of me, the law, mental health and always just coughed up the same bullshit. "Comply son, comply" Dad's not around anymore but I would shout at him right now if he were around that if he wanted to comply why don't you try spending two months in a psychiatric ward and try to comply there. 

There is now a 90 day limitation on filing a lawsuit with the hospital. So my legal opportunity to find justice is shorted out. I do have a plan though but that part that plan delta is so many years away from now that it is too soon to even mention it. 

You know had the school or the hospital settled with me I would have spent it. Sure would. I would have been so vilified that I would have bought not just a car for myself. (Something a girl once mentioned as her reason for dating her boyfriend and laughing at me without one) but for my dad too he wanted a 57' Chevy Corvette I would have bought it for him. Infact I would have tried my best to do the best I could with the money gained from the damages inflicted with justice given due. 

It is far too late now.

But it doesn't mean that someone won't answer for it one day.

And I unfortunately don't have anything now resembling a normal education. I took a chance on an opportunity to learn a trade and to my surprise ended up doing something else completely for work. 

I was recently seeking an old history text book and I can't find it online anywhere. This is kind of what scares me. The education system is censoring things and adjusting textbooks to conform to this new era of clinically correct social studies that portray mental health as a historical identity. It's subversive & it absolutely will backfire. Because the educators are limiting history to be not political or socioeconomic but psychologically correct.  Putting a veil over the child might as well be leaving that child in the dark anyway. They think automation and the internet will be what ultimately takes place of the teacher anyway. But I can tell you this much what if automation failed? Especially if you have one gear that already fell out and started turning on it's own to the disrepair of the rest of the machine. Dig deep, child psychiatrist, dig deep!

I could go on about experiences that would fill an entire textbook full of anecdotes and facts about mistreatment both familial and psychiatric that would probably horrify the reader from going any further anyway.

Instead I'll end that particular rant there.

On a peculiar note I tested positive for covid in the middle of the month.

It was not quite what I expected and a little stronger than I anticipated despite vaccination. Do I still think there is a time travel related conspiracy I sure do. But this slowed me down enough that ordinarily I would have had more energy to commit to things. Self quarantining only because they asked me to for the next 5 days. I'm tired.

After this self quarantine is over I will end up having to disinfect everything. Glad I kept that Lysol spray close by. 

The house is still unsold but now I'm anxious to have it sold & fast. 

-Samurai