Until The Camel Dies

Its been a jam packed summer for me. 

Photoshoots at least once a week almost all summer.

Going to music shows at least once a month.

Constantly on the road.

& of course the pressure to get together an apartment as the house gets sold.

I found an apartment I'm more then happy with but I'm running this really, really close.

The timing of the house being sold has to coincide with the lease.

If the house doesn't close I am stuck with a lease I can't afford to keep.

I'm depending on that money from the house sale to keep the apartment for the next year.

I plan on buying a DJ400 & mixing the shit out of my own music. 

Writing a 20 minute short that I can't go into details about for fear of story ideas being stolen.

My entire world is about be completely shifted into a state of either lonely solace & creativity

Or total failure & struggle for the next few years. 

Eventually the camel will break its back anyway but until then I going to keep giving it water.

Until the camel dies.



I've made new friends through photography!

& new enemies through my brother's scheming. 

Its going to be a dangerously hard year next year.

I am absolutely sure I will be in both a state of fear some of the time & a state of triumph in others.

The last half of the year depends on my financial independence. 

So I'm nervous.

My brother's constant pandering & bickering between us doesn't help.

Nor does a friend's prying into my life about certain things. 

I saw the original Bladerunner on film in theater & it was amazing to watch! All the details really came out. There were little things I missed that really made me cry.

I shed two tears that no one can ever see when Rachel & Deckard make love. 

I cried when she cried & I've never cried during the entirety of that film once.



I've wanted to, its easy to sometimes but for some reason the tears would never fall.

This time they did.

I've in some way felt for many years that this film has had such a dramatic effect on my perceptions in life.

That one day years & years from now perhaps hundreds of years they may refer to me historically as the Bladerunner.



I actually went to the Bradbury Building in LA in 2012 but could not get in to see the famous staircase.

I have only seen two movies this year now.

The other was Nope.

Nope was good for what it is. 

Horror but more SHOCK then just horror.

Gordy the Monkey...

Anyway I made on one week a little more than a thousand dollars ridesharing. 

It took nearly 40 hours of driving to do though.

It was a lot of work. 

The Chevy Cruze is in good shape I've had a lot of work done on her this year.

But soon as they recommended, belts & waterpump be replaced at 95k-100k miles. 

I am so close to 95k that its nearly time to shell out more cash on her for that purpose.

My best friend has unofficially cut me out of her life as soon as I made a good point about her attitude.

Its been really hurtful to be treated the way she treats me. 

Like I'm worthless. 

Nothing.

It makes me have more feelings of inadequacy & more anger toward people in general for not giving me respect that I feel I am owed. 

"No one owes you anything bro." 

Fuck you.

You all owe me your lives whether you know it or not.

And by that I mean sincerely no one would be alive if I didn't exist in this world.

WHOA! WHAT?

You'll figure that one out when the technology is around to prove that very point.

Until then I am nothing to you.

For now I walk a path toward fate & with it all the pain.

I fear life more then I fear death at this point.

But I embrace life as much as I have the energy for.

Had I been a wealthier man this life would be so much different with a lot more experiences.

But I wouldn't be me then. 

I'd be something else.

Someone who never needed to serve anyone else but himself.

For the time being I serve you but not just you.

Your dreams.

Syonara.

Until next time

-Samurai


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